Confidence.
A simple word. A powerful word. An ironically “low barrier to entry” word.
By that I mean anyone can have confidence. There’s no list of requirements one must meet to be granted access to Club Confidence. Or maybe I should go with The Confidence Association, has a better flow to it.
Namesake aside, no matter how accessible this word is some of the most admired individuals in human history lack self-confidence. Then, ironically again, some of the most frowned upon humans to breathe air and flick boogers have all of the self-confidence one’s psyche could muster.
Once more.. low barrier to entry, but be that as it may, according to Psychology Today 85% of the population struggles with self-esteem. [2]
That’s quite a chunk of the human pie. So it leaves the question: why is something that is so accessible, escaping so many of us?
In this article you’ll find: what defines self-confidence, a dive into its importance, causes of low confidence and self-esteem, ways to become more confident, and more!
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What Is Self-Confidence
Self-confidence – the belief in one’s ability, power, qualities, and judgment
Self-esteem – the value one places on their self from a personal perspective; the impression they have of their own self-worth
I started this with a definition for clarity purposes.
Self-confidence is belief! How strong is your belief in what you’re capable of?
Self-esteem is about how much of a commodity you feel you are. How much value do you place on yourself as an individual? What do you believe is the measure of your worth?
It’s pretty apparent that confident people tend to go farther than those with low self-esteem, also tend to take advantage of more opportunities, tend to become leaders (for good or bad), and have the greatest influence. Even when they have less talent and at times don’t work as hard, confidence alone can bridge some of those gaps.
Note: Self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably, but they have slight variations. Self-esteem being what you believe you’re worthy of and self-confidence being what you think you can make happen. But forgive me, I can guarantee I’ll be using them interchangeably here soon.
A lot of how you evaluate yourself among the metrics of self-confidence and self-esteem determine the level of self-respect you have. I would say “so be careful” here, however the fact you’re on this post suggests you plan on being careful.
Another note: part of this “self” construct that isn’t to be overlooked is self-awareness. The goal is to be confident, yet self-aware. Confidence without self-awareness breeds a less than favorable individual, I’m sure you can think of a few of those you’ve encountered over the years.
Why Is Self-Confidence Important
You ever walk in a room and feel tiny? Insignificant? Like you’re suddenly the size of one of the cast members in A Bug’s Life?
When such a feeling overcomes you, your entire interaction with the room is downgraded. Your responses shorten, you overanalyze every step you take.. become overly aware of how you look putting a fork in your mouth or the angle of your glass when taking a sip.
All from a lack of self-confidence. All due to insecurity screeching from within.
Could be your general disposition or it could be nerves involved with the situation you find yourself in. Either way you know what the root is.
This may sarcastically come as a shock, but your idea of what you can do or are worthy of affects a great, GREAT deal of your life. Past, future, and present that is. Like now, and now, and immediately now.
As you process these words.
Whether it’s how assertive you are, if you even like yourself, objectivity, the ability to praise others, ability to receive praise, your level of self-security, level of happiness, your knack for leadership, how successfully you parent, serve as a role model, how willing you are to find a mate.. I could do this for hours.
Self-confidence and self-esteem have a hand in just about every aspect of life, maybe the afterlife too, I can’t say for sure at this point.
A powerful truth
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22 Causes Of Low Self-Confidence
According to recent records there are 7.888 billion mere mortals sharing oxygen on this planet. That’s 7.888 billion self-confidence combinations and 7.888 billion stories of what contributed to or took away from their self-esteem.
Alright maybe a little less, we can’t count the babies. They can’t even unload the dishwasher yet, but you get where I’m going. There’s no doubt, especially early on that a major part of how we see ourselves comes from upbringing. Mainly parents or whoever your guardians are.. could even be the neighborhood if you were cultivated in a close-knit environment. Yet there’s no one reason for a struggle with self-confidence or self-esteem; there’s always a gumbo.
Let me know if any of these ingredients look familiar:
22 Causes Of Low Self-Confidence
Style of upbringing
Childhood is somehow more and less influential on the adults we become than we realize. In a mind-boggling way we put too much and not enough stock into the impact.
Nonetheless, despite the positive, sometimes negative, and other times indifferent intentions those responsible for grooming us to become productive adults had, they don’t always do the best job.
Parenting is hard, there’s no manual or bootcamp you’re forced into upon conception. I can attest to the difficulty (14 year old, 3 year old, and a halfway to 1 year old), so I always try to lean towards understanding the aspects my parents fell short in and where they succeeded. Both sides of the coin are important to dissect in helping you comprehend yourself.
And helping you deal with reality on reality’s terms. Despite how dire your early days may have been, you’re doing your life a disservice if you consciously allow the years you had little control to control the years where you have all of the control.
What to do about it: You can’t rewind time, but you can shape the future. If portions of your childhood scar you, come to terms with them. Find understanding in how they influence you to this day. Then make the necessary adjustments to make YOUR life better. It’s about YOU, resentment may feel natural, but it won’t serve YOU. Do what serves YOU.
Not feeling accepted for who you are
The feeling of being unappreciated or not welcome in the circles you want to feel welcome in takes you down a peg.
It could be your affinity for hockey and those around you liking golf. You may be the only Hawaiian kid at school. It could be that everyone in the office recites lines from The Office and you’re a My Wife And Kids kind of guy or gal.
That’s you in a quarrel trying to associate yourself with someone that associates themself with something you associate yourself with.
Then there’s the other hand.
You have obvious traits in common and STILL can’t seem to penetrate the inner circle. This one hurts even more. Studies show social rejection can mirror that of physical pain. [3]
We’re social creatures, we have an innate need to belong. It would be difficult to not point the finger at the mirror and wonder “what is my issue?”, “what’s wrong with me?”, “does my breath stink?”, “did they notice I forgot my deodorant last Thursday?”, why am I not good enough?”
Although you don’t need to “fit in” to be confident, it certainly can feel that way when you’re not relatively sure of yourself. But to expand on the header there’s a reason I say “feel” accepted.
It’s true you may be an outcast and the group you have in mind may not be offering invitations. Yet it’s not out of the realm of possibility that it is in our own head, and maybe a projection.
What to do about it: Objectively analyze your interactions and conclude if you are truly given a cold shoulder, if you’re projecting, or if it’s inconclusive. Based on your findings, accept what’s out of your control and work on furthering your connection with those you do have kinship with.
Applicable side note: don’t lose what you have trying to glorify what you wish you had.
Continue to relate to those close while gathering the strength to stand alone when it’s necessary to stand alone. Build on not letting your insecurities be placed on others if you catch yourself projecting. That’s a quick way to ruin relationships. And if you can’t call it one way or another I suggest letting nature take its course, and see how things go as you work on yourself.
Compromising yourself to fit in
The previous point nosedives into this point.
If they won’t take you as you are what’s the natural instinct? Change into what they want right? Get your chameleon on.
Feeling unaccepted could lead to you bending your morals, principles, and the fiber of your character to go along with what you believe will grant access to the hearts of those doing the accepting.
You could be incorrect, you could be correct, but it won’t bode well for you internally if you take that route. It’ll arguably bring your confidence down at a higher rate to “succeed” as an imposter than it would to be ousted as your authentic self.
Don’t misrepresent your integrity for outside validation, it never works in the long haul.
What to do about it: Develop the mental muscle to be your core self regardless of the results. Core is an important word, for there’s always room for growth and to add branches of complexity to your ethical tree. You can and should always further your knowledge, understanding, and views in the world. Learning never stops, but the additions should still remain true to you.
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Prior trauma
Life has ups, downs, and a lot of middles. But some of the downs leave a proverbial stain. A stain that can be rather difficult to wash out.
Trauma.
A 2018 study found those experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms tend to have lower self-esteem. [4]
Could be as deep as witnessing the loss of a friend, or the perils of war. Could be witnessing the abuse of your mother to the hands of your father. Could be a deeply rooted fear of rejection, since your 11th grade crush embarrassed you in front of the entire student body. You may have been the recipient of abuse.. and so many other possibilities.
Whatever led to this point, know that trauma shows up in many shapes and forms, but without regard to its packaging.. its lingering impact can manipulate your confidence in the wrong direction. Whether it be the result of “triggering” or simply the result of general sadness or depression related to the trauma.
What to do about it: Come to terms with the event/events. Understand them, see why they still hurt so bad. As difficult as it will be you have to build yourself to a point of acceptance. Accept it as the past and disallow your future to be hampered. This could occur internally, with the help of others IE therapy, or more realistically a combination of the above. Either way do your future self a favor and start to patch your wounds today.
Negative outlook
From personal experience this one here is a tough one to break, I’ve had my share of spurts as an internal negative Nancy. My motto was, “Murphy’s Law”, so I constantly said, “Murphy’s Law”.. seemed like anything that could go wrong would go wrong.
On the positive side, I kept it personal instead of projecting this bummer of a mood on the lives of others. If this applies to you, once you’re able to break the habit.. your whole world opens up.
Having a negative outlook puts a dreary filter over the cinema of life. How could you expect to encounter the intricacies of day to day existence with confidence, if you have a feeling in your bones a net positive isn’t happening? If you genuinely believe nothing can go right for you?
This other than positive disposition is often the result of trauma.
You may walk in the room and see a group huddled around the table. The group suddenly gets silent.
“What were they saying about me?”
You may post a selfie on the socials and receive 96 likes with 12 positive comments, but there’s the one.
The one comment you perceive as negative, or maybe it’s blatantly negative. And what do you do? You let that one comment take over your inner sense of self.
As humans we have a knack for giving the negative more weight than we do the uplifting or positive. Probably something baked into our DNA for survival purposes, whether it is or not it doesn’t serve us to dwell.
We all do it to a degree, yet when you have a generally negative outlook it’s taken to new heights. You allow naysayers, or the potential of naysayers, to rule your life. You allow the 2 percent risk of less-than-ideal feedback or outcomes prevent you from taking advantage of the 98 percent chance for reward.
What to do about it: Work on adjusting your perspective. Count your blessings. Consciously force yourself to see the good in things regularly, and even more so when you feel a negative wave infiltrate your bloodstream. Over time you’ll develop a new homeostasis and live with less fear and more bravery.
Enduring physical pain
Ever had a nagging injury? Some sort of persistent physical ailment? Or even a tummy ache?
Hard to feel like your “best self” when your soul’s vehicle needs maintenance. Lower back pain, elbow pain, shoulder, migraines, arthritis.. anything physical takes you down a notch.
I dealt with a chronically achy lumbar for years before I finally figured out how to solve the issue.
Life changing.
It instantly added 10% to my confidence meter.
Whether it be the pain itself, movement limitations, or the mere annoyance of not being 100%.. it all qualifies as a sneaky confidence hurdle.
What to do about it: Figure how to solve the pain puzzle with appropriate rehabilitation. If the puzzle is unsolvable, see what you can do to manage pain. Or at least take it down a peg. Can’t solve every problem, but a half solution is better than no solution.
Financial trouble
Money money money. A necessity, a gift, and at times a curse.
Money in reality is a representation of stability. They say money can’t buy happiness, and it’s true. On the other hand without the ability to provide yourself with basic necessities and a little extra for recreation.. happiness becomes a tad more difficult to capture.
The time for high self-esteem tends to escape you in the face of, “I don’t know how I’ll get the rent paid this month.”
What to do about it: Make a plan. Plan the steps you need to take that’ll create enough financial stability to provide you with comfort. It won’t eliminate your worries, for you should worry about basic necessities otherwise you wouldn’t be a fully functioning animal. But with a plan in place you lose some of that anxiety around the situation. With a plan of action you can bring the goal line into view.
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Dwelling on past mistakes
Life is a series of events and those events have a colorful combination of outcomes. One of those colors is failure, one of those colors can be described as incomplete, another color is victory.. then there’s the ambiguity of every color in-between.
One thing all of these hues have in common is the human element. By that I mean there will be, there are, and there were mistakes. Win, lose, draw, and however else you choose to label it.. mistakes are part of the proceedings.
It’s a hard fact of life to accept, so sometimes we get caught up in those mishaps. Sometimes it’s during reflection, you think of what could’ve been done instead. Sometimes it’s how your effort was subpar. Sometimes it’s you don’t know what you could’ve done differently, but can’t accept what brought about the unfavorable result.
Regardless, that past mistake forces you to cope and live with regret. Regret in the wrong hands can drain the shiitake mushrooms out of self-confidence.
It’ll have you saying to yourself: “I’m a mistake waiting to happen.”
What to do about it: L.I.G. – let it go. The past is the past, until we get this time machine thing down pact.. it’s over. Reflect on the past event, take what lesson you can scrape up, and move on. Learn so you can display a better performance if ever in a similar situation, but no reason to dwell - there’s nothing to gain from it.
Underdeveloped social skills
Knowing how to carry yourself around an audience of various sizes can grant your confidence meter a raise.
The inability can do the opposite.
Whether you’re in a setting with 1 or 551 social anxiety or frankly the fear of sounding like you skipped all sentence structure lessons, can make you feel like an ant amongst elephants.
So you shrink.. you shrink and make yourself all, but invisible. You choose the safest route by doing little to nothing at all. You escape the eyeballs. You choose silence and avoid making any calls for attention.
What to do about it: Push against that fear. Sharpen your social skills by getting your reps in. Sometimes you WILL sound and maybe look like a doofus, but the more you put yourself out there the more comfortable you become. And the more comfortable you become, the times you make social miscues? You’ll learn how to turn them into a plus (self-deprecation humor always works).
Feeling alone
I mentioned earlier that we are social creatures. Creatures made to be in a sort of community, even if small. That feeling of isolation goes against the fibers of our beings. There’s a reason solitary confinement is a punishment on top of a punishment.
Anything that combats our makeup is bound to deal self-confidence a blow.
What to do about it: Build the mind muscle tissue to stand alone when necessary, and be comfortable. Fall in love with yourself, be able to enjoy your own company. To avoid always being alone.. put yourself in social settings and force yourself to mingle. You’ll undoubtedly find people to build relationships with. There’s also the option to find groups on social media that may want to hang, because they’re having similar friend struggles too nowadays.
Distorted view of self
How do you currently see yourself? No B.S. how do you see yourself? Take a second and think about it, what’s your impression?
It’s not uncommon to have a warped vision of who you are, or better yet how the world sees you.
This can go in both directions, some believe they’re on a pedestal that they are not on. Others see themselves as so not on a pedestal that they’re looking up at the ground the pedestal is on.
What’s funny is sometimes those with this outlook are seen by society as, as competent as they come. Maybe even aspirational.
What to do about it: Objectivity. Step out of yourself for a moment. This is an unemotional activity that requires a levelheaded period in time. Step out of yourself and evaluate your life from a bird’s eye view, top to bottom. Be keenly aware of the strengths you can lean on, as well as weaknesses you have the urge to build up. Just be accurate about it.
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Success Dependency
This one is probably high on the list for the “doers”.
Let me explain.
By success dependency I’m referring to one’s refusal to grant themselves PERMISSION to be confident UNTIL they’ve reached what they deem as a solid success point. It’s akin to seeing yourself as a peon until you become king, nothing in-between.
I say this a lot, but it’s okay to be confident while you build on your accomplishments and work on improving your flaws.
Perfection isn’t a precursor to having self-esteem.
On the other side of this is viewing yourself as a failure because you haven’t “succeeded” yet. Impatient about a lack of results.
What to do about it: Don’t be content, yet be cognizant of the steps you’re taking for success. Patience is key. If you’re on the grind, acknowledge results won’t come over night. Yes, you’re not there yet, however there’s solid reasoning to be confident along the way, not just at the end. Satisfactory self-confidence will more often than not help you get there faster too, for the record.
Comparison is more than the thief of joy
It’s the thief of confidence too!
Comparing where you are to any degree versus where another is, is shaky ground.
If you don’t have the wherewithal you’ll get down on yourself. If you don’t have the wherewithal you’ll feel inferior. If you don’t have the wherewithal you should avoid these side by sides.
An inferiority complex can stick with you for a while.
Social media has positives, but this brings me to one of the negatives. We have a tendency to compare our everyday lives to the “highlights” others plaster on the timeline. Not realizing you flipping through the channels with poor posture on the couch.. isn’t a fair assessment against them doing a double bicep flex on the edge of a mountain.
Regardless, a note to remember is that we all have different paths. You have no idea what lead them to where they are and they have no clue about you and your route.
What to do about it: Stay in your lane, focus on you. If you can’t find motivation from the perceived successes of others, ignore them altogether. Has nothing to do with you. One of my favorite Jay-Z lines “Respect the game, that should be it. What you eat don’t make me sh*t”.. And it doesn’t, I checked. Factual statement.
Misplaced expectations
Vision is a gift; vision is a curse. We’re all artists in our own right. And as good as you may be, the picture your imagination paints will frankly never be identical to the one reality displays.
As close as it may come, there will be a misplaced stroke here and there.
Career, relationships, general life, or any random situation not panning out exactly how you envisioned, is tough to handle if you aren’t going into it prepared for a bit of variation.
It’s a swift kick to the self-confidence meter having your hopes dashed. Particularly if you use that as a reason to doubt the potential of future happenings.
But trials are in the fine print. Tribulations are in the fine print. It’s a tough pill, however it’s still going to be prescribed.
What to do about it: Prepare. Be ready for the unsteadiness. Be ready to pivot when necessary. Expect hiccups to occur and stay resilient. That’s how you hold on to confidence and build to something greater.
Feeling overwhelmed
Confidence has a bit of calm to it. A bit of a relaxed appearance, doesn’t really look like you’re trying that hard or are out of control. Somewhat organized or planned out it seems.
Try being overwhelmed.. that’s anything but in control. Seems as if the square footage in the room shrinks, breaths come at a faster pace, and the clock spins like rims on a stationary car in a Three 6 Mafia video.
Too much to do, too little time.. the story of life. Problems and tasks, tasks and problems. If you know how to be confident while overwhelmed leave a comment, I’ll take some tips! My only solution is to solve the problem.
What to do about it: Get organized. Not only practically, but in the mind. Make a schedule, a to do list, and conquer. Find solutions to the problems that need solutions and execute. Take a break if you need one, however having a response to what would normally overwhelm you prevents that obstacle to self-confidence from blocking your way. And as always, realizing what’s NOT in your control is considered a solution to a problem too.
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Stress or anxietY
Mental stress and anxiety are first ballot selections for the confidence killer collective.
Now in reality we all have stress and we all have anxiety. To what degree is relative.
Maybe you believe you always operate at a 100 on a scale of 1-100.
On the contrary I’m willing to bet something out there can take you down to a 99 or lower, no matter how intact you may be.
On the “relativity” hand, it’s fair to point out what could cause one to have a nervous breakdown may just require some deep breathing for another.
People have different responses to situations for various reasons: experience, reactive tools, temperament, even being a workout warrior could lead to a lower impact from stress, and so on.
But we all get anxious. A professional athlete doing what they love, on a multi-million dollar contract gets anxious before the big game.
It’s partially a survival response to preserve life, just way back long ago we’d have anxiety about being eaten by a saber tooth. Now we have it if our post gets less than 10 likes (it’s okay to laugh).
What to do about it: This bullet point also gets the “find a solution to the problem” treatment. Take a moment to travel your mind and discover what is the cause of the stress and/or anxiety. Some people turn to “substances”, but it’s really only a bandaid. It doesn’t heal, it masks. Brainstorm a solution to the problem.. again sometimes the solution is accept it for what it is, but oftentimes there’s something you can do to provide immediate or eventual relief.
Depression
Depression – feelings of severe despondency and dejection
Often a feeling of hopelessness. Often a feeling that leaves you with no feeling.. a numbness. Can feel as if what previously had meaning, means nothing anymore. Nothing means anything anymore.. you lose yourself in a way.
You have trouble escaping thoughts and a deep level of sadness overwhelms you at every turn. There’s no way you can truly be your self-confident self, when your view of your world in one word is anarchy.
Note: Depression caveat, sometimes it’s not that you aren’t confident. You can become indifferent. Could be that what has you down puts you in a place where you just don’t care about anything else. Confidence doesn’t even make your to-do list.
What to do about it: The hardest thing and most necessary thing: have hope. Allow yourself to believe this won’t last and you’ll feel yourself again. Try to find meaning in the circumstance. In the meantime keep working on yourself, which may involve a bit of solitude. May involve a sort of therapy. Will undoubtedly involve a great deal of self-reflection, regardless of what landed you here. Keep your head up, one thing I’ve learned on this planet is the tough times always pass.. always.
Poor health
I could start here with appearance.
I mean taking care of your body and solidifying your health as a priority, will make your skin glow and weight will more likely be under control. If we just stuck to those factors we’d raise the likelihood of you being more confident in how you look. And nobody doesn’t like feeling good about how they look.
But we won’t even go there.
How your body FUNCTIONS has bearing on your mind and feelings. Anything that alters the mind and how you feel can alter the perspective of self-esteem.
We don’t even have to look further than high blood pressure..
That ailment on its own contributes to physical stress, mental stress, and anxiety. It’s even harder to catch a deep breath, when your blood pressure is higher than what those in white coats deem appropriate. And deep breathing is one my cheat codes for quick stress relief, I’d be S.O.L..
An estimated 116 million people in the USA deal with hypertension by the way.
What to do about it: Take care of yourself. Of course this is what I recommend as the “health guy”, but you don’t have to take it to the extremes as I do. Just do enough that would please your physician and help keep you from needing long-term medication. Exercise, good sleep hygiene, and a decent diet more often than not, you know.. the boring stuff.
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Low relationship equity
How’s your relationship with the people you love the most?
When all is lost there’s usually someone you can count on, the one or ones dearest to you. Could be a friend, could be a relative, could be a distant pen pal.
Not cultivating those relationships can leave a gap between you and self-confidence. Like a piece to your puzzle is missing. I know about this personally, in that at times I’m entranced with tunnel vision..
So focused on getting things “done” that I can find myself neglecting to make effort for my loved ones, and start to miss out on more moments than I should.
Of course, it’s not always your fault as it is in my case, but it’s not always not your fault either.
What to do about it: Make time and give the effort. You still have to don the hardhat and go after your goals, but on the other side of the coin.. whatever your situation is, carve out moments for your people. We won’t always be here to enjoy one another.
Inadequacy
Not having sharp enough skills for your liking isn’t exactly the way to bolster self-belief. You want to be excellent in most of the things you participate in, who wouldn’t?
The problem is you won’t always be. Could be because of a lack of know-how, often because of a lack of preparation.
Think of the times you’ve had a presentation. Ponder for a second.. about the times you were confident, scanning the audience as you let your brain spill. Now recall the times you were damn near squirting sweat, trying to stretch 48 seconds of material into 2-3 minutes worth of chatter.
You may have been nervous each time, but one at least a smidgen less so. That chasm applies to all aspects of life – being prepared gives you a bit more of an edge, and that edge fans the confidence flame.
What to do about it: Become adequate and be prepared. The category you feel needs work, work on it. And if it’s not something you really care to put the effort into, make it a self-deprecation type of deal that you can be confident about. For example, I’m a subpar golfer and when me and the family play miniature golf.. me being several strokes above par could be a sore spot. However I don’t care enough to become a good golfer, so I lean into the jokes. I didn’t put the work in, so why would I let the reflection of my lack of preparation alter my self-esteem?
Never challenging yourself
This isn’t as straightforward as the other points, but bear with me.
If you’re reading and comprehending most of this column you’re of a certain age. At that age, one way or another, you’ve stumbled into a level of competency in certain areas, not so much others. More experience in one arena over another. What I’m saying is you have a few comfort zones.
Which is a good thing by the way, but..
When you don’t challenge yourself with unfamiliar zones or more difficult versions of your zones from time to time and you encounter such; you get uncomfortable.
Very uncomfortable. Fish out of water, me in water over 6 feet deep (I can’t swim above water).
Voluntarily giving yourself a level of discomfort on the regular, allows you to be able to be comfortable when uncomfortable. This is one of the reasons cold tubs and cold showers have become the latest craze.
A valuable skill it is to maintain confidence security despite an unorthodox predicament.
What to do about it: Step out of your “safe space” from time to time. Immerse yourself in something new or advanced that forces you to adapt or makes you prevail over the discomfort. Some people do ice baths, some try new languages, the possibilities are vast. But nothing life threatening of course, it’s just about upgrading your mental toughness. It’s not about seeing how much God wants to keep your heart beating, let’s not push that envelope.
Negative outside feedback
The opinion’s of others don’t exactly matter unless you want them to, minus a few exceptions, but let’s not delay. There’s a whole section for this one.
What to do about it: Scroll and read.
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Why Other People’s Opinion Of You Almost Never Matters
Theme: the opining of others shouldn’t drive you, and the opining largely holds little relevance.
Largely, because reality is reality. There are exceptions to the rule – there are times outside opinions must be considered.
Bodybuilding competition? Need to impress those judges.
Hired a trainer? Need to take their words to heart.
On the debate team? Fencing? Most sports in fact.. need the coach to give you a shot right?
Your boss when you want a promotion? Applying for a job?
There are exceptions. You have to learn what those are for you.
On the other hand, the instances that don’t make the exemption list - take it with a grain of salt (I always wanted to use that phrase).
Here’s a good place to insert another phrase I’ve longed to use, “Opinions are like a**holes, everybody has one.”
Whether or not they should is a subject for another day. I suggest a certification system.
Moving forward.. think for a second, what’s your favorite family sitcom from childhood? One with children as essential characters.
Got it?
I’m willing to bet monopoly money that there was a bully-based episode somewhere in there.
What if you’re basing your self-confidence and self-esteem on the reactions of a person that LIVES to spread negativity? A person that grew up, but lives to tear down?
Some folks are miserable on the inside and it has not an iota to do with you. This is where it pays to master the art of compartmentalization.
Ironically the negativity we speak of tends to be a result of THEIR lack of confidence, so the issue isn’t even really you - it’s them.
Again, these outside thoughts really only matter when they impact your life financially/professionally or involve those closest to you. Don’t forget that.
THE RULE OF THIRDS
In case you’re unfamiliar with the rule of thirds, it states: 3 people will love it, 3 people will hate it, and all remaining will be indifferent.. they’re the ones on the fence. “Independents” if you will.
If you give credence to the rule, it‘s not a bad way to look at things objectively and keep yourself at ground level.
You’ll never get too emotionally high or low based on an outsider’s approval rating. Which reminds me of another old social media caption I posted some time ago:
“Everybody won’t love you.
NOBODY gets a 100% approval rating.
You can find folks that despise the least controversial of us to ever grow in a woman’s gut.
People hated Barney & Friends
It’s just reality, so find comfort in that there’ll always be someone going against your grain. And you’re not alone.
Think on it; you only even need about half of the folks at the ballot box to pick you to run the country. The other half may wish you were roommates with Dory or Nemo and you’ll still hold the title.
Everybody won’t love you.
It’s the nature of life. It’s the nature of you putting yourself out there with the desire to achieve something.
It’s part of the game.
So put your fear of judgement aside.
Put your fear of being the recipient of ire aside.
For a deeper reality is even if you shelter yourself there’ll be somebody out there peeking through the blinds.. frowning at the way you open the mailbox.
Or another gritting their teeth at how you sift through avocados at the local supermarket.
Being that disapproval will happen without regard, it might as well happen on your terms on your path to achievement. As you enhance and display your authentic self rather than as you shy away from opposition..”
Buckle up!
I’m a bit in rant mode now.
Small-minded folks focus negatively on others. Don’t let a small mind vacuum the depth out of yours.
How much do they really know anyway?? These days millions of people feel they have the right to express their opinion on things they know 4% of the details on.
STFU.
If you can go in with a level head, look at criticism, see if there’s something you can extract to improve yourself and move on - do it. I try to do so because I post a lot on socials, so my bank is full of 2 cents from onlookers.
They don’t pay my bills though, and as tempting as it may be to type an aggressive response, that won’t help my business AND it gives the gratification they clearly crave.
The internet is full of typing titans, message mobsters, keyboard killers, and such. They’re real tough on the net, no need to stoop to their level to prove your “toughness”.
Man rule (women too): you only need to be tough when you need to be tough.
(100+ rules all men should follow)
Miles away on socials is never a “need” to be tough.
So let them have their theoretical, projected thoughts and you keep being great, or start if you’ve been holding back.
Rant concludes*
Everyone may have their thoughts about your journey, but they don’t know what got you here. They don’t know the fine details. No reason to take their words to heart if they hold no merit.
Supersized note: There was a point in life where my concern of what others thought penetrated my mind. Somehow I’ve always been bullheaded enough to not allow it to alter me, but I’d still hypothesize on what their opinions may be. And consider acting in a way that would please them.
Everyone wants to be approved of no matter what they say. EVERYONE.
Again and again and I’ll say it again, we’re social creatures. No one genuinely wants to be ousted.
Funny story: I have a 3 year old girl, she somehow got into my 14 year old girl’s container of glitter.. we have carpet so you know where this is going.
I’m the fitness guy right? So I’m on the ground a lot – stretching, foam rolling, and all other mobility nonsense.
Unbeknownst to me there’s glitter all down my back.. fast forward to me leaving the gym in my A-shirt, only to find out I spent the last 2 public hours looking like I just finished a shift at the local gentlewoman’s club.
Younger me? Would’ve considered finding a new gym.
The current baldheaded version? Laughs and writes about it in a blog.
Another note: With all of that said, keep in mind these opinions I speak of aren’t always from a bad place. To be fair, there are those that give unsolicited advice because they genuinely care. And although it may be unwanted, it is from a good place. Learning the difference is the key.
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What To Do With Unsolicited Opinions
There’s a 2-3 step internal process you can walk yourself through, anytime uninvited advice is tossed in your direction:
Step one – ask yourself.. is this valid criticism that I can evaluate and possibly use to my benefit?
Step two – ask yourself.. is this verbiage from a place of malice? If so you can still use if the advice is solid, but don’t dive into conversation. Even an “enemy” can say something wise from time to time, whereas they don’t have to know it. Take that gem and keep it to yourself.
Possible step three – in one ear and out there other if there’s no merit to the soliloquy. If your skin is thick enough, feel free to banter a bit, especially on socials. May be a chance to show a side of your personality your followers will rarely get to see. Otherwise keep moving along.
As a bonus, here are some verbal and/or physical responses you can throw at the eager speaker:
“Hmm”
“Interesting”
“Never thought of it that way”
“Not looking for advice at the moment”
“I hope that was for free”
*Ironic smile
*Poke your bottom lip out and nod
Particularly for polite people coming from a positive place. No need to be spicy with folks that never showed you spice.
Man rule: always lead with respect (applies to women too though).
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15 Ways To Become More Confident
Some people have a natural leaning for confidence. God dealt them a head held high hand.
Congrats!! (And that’s not me hating, I mean it)
As for the rest of us mere mortals.. we’ve been tasked to work on, develop, and somewhat earn the right to grant ourselves permission to exude confidence.
Let’s keep this in perspective, it is self-confidence.. SELF!
Not something another can give or take. After a certain age you have to accept your life terms are frankly, on you. Can no longer lean on what your guardians did or didn’t do. Which partially explains how older people tend to be more confident. They’ve also had more opportunities to earn it, and are more aware of how certain factors matter less than their younger self may have realized.
But enough small talk – 15 ways to become more confident:
15 Ways To Become More Confident
Discount outside opinions
In case you skimmed by, there’s already a dedicated section for the opinions of others. The majority of those unimportant opinions (a few are important IE those that may influence your income) don’t deserve the effort or time.
The fortitude to discount outside opinions in every sense of the word, is the fortitude I want you to develop. To be clear, I want you to downgrade those views from meaning EVERYTHING to you.. to meaning what they should mean.
Good info? Take heed.
Irrelevant/malicious info? Let it collect dust.
Master your emotions
Emotional control is crucial.
Responding to crises, navigating relationships, performing under pressure, and retaining/building self-esteem.. retaining/building self-confidence.
By mastering your emotions you won’t NOT have them, but you will learn to identify and confront them as they come:
What am I feeling? Identity the emotion.
How deep is this emotion?
Why am I feeling this way in response to the event?
Am I okay with the feeling?
Is the feeling valid? Or am I bugging AKA is my feeling not an accurate response to reality?
If you don’t like the feeling: what can I do to avoid this feeling in similar future situations?
Being able to appropriately label and navigate your emotions is a confidence confidant.
Update your perspective
They say perception is reality, and they are correct. Even when your perception is inaccurate, it’s still your reality.
So being that it’s plausible how you see aspects of your life, differ from the actual dimensions of those aspects..
Becoming more in touch with reality and practicing as much objectivity as humanly possible, will grant access to more confidence. Don’t adopt, and if you already did, shake the habit of visualizing things in a more “nothing goes right”, “life’s unfair”, “they’re out to get me” way.
Self-evaluation
Comb. Over. Your. Stock.
Take self-inventory.
Here are some questions for the process:
What are your pros and cons?
What parts about you makes you the most confident?
What personal details make you question yourself?
What about these shortcomings can you improve upon?
When you can objectively assess yourself you can work on yourself. And this process is not a one-time event, it is to go on periodically for eternity. As you work and trade in one calendar for another, take a moment to go over your improvements and where you still fall short. Adjust accordingly.
This bullet will help with overall life quality, but the confidence kicker is that a boost occurs just by merely beginning to do the work. Executing a plan of action immediately increases your self-esteem.
Count your blessings
Take a moment to smell the coffee. Pick a proverbial rose. Think about the features of life you’re grateful for.
Your esteem can take a hit when you gloss over the good, while worrying about the bad. We all tend to get bogged down, with feelings as if all is going haywire. So consciously acknowledging what isn’t haywire has the reverse effect.
No matter where you are, or where you want to be, there’s something to be grateful for.. even if it’s simply for air to breathe or the potential to realize a better tomorrow.
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Develop personal momentum
Right, wrong, or indifferent.. people are drawn to self-confidence. Look at Trump or Kanye. Polarizing figures, without a shadow of doubt.
But take how you may or may not feel about them out of it, and consider the why. Why are they able to gather a mass following?
They each have something called personal momentum.
That’s where you believe in yourself so much and exude so much of that self-belief, that people start to gravitate to you.
Give yourself reasons to believe and start to develop your own personal momentum - it’s free!
The power of positive thinking
Train yourself to develop the superpower of objective positive thinking.
With that you’ll have the tools to raise the floor on how low your confidence can ever go. Simply by being able to say to yourself “this will get better” (because you’re doing whatever is required for it to get better of course)..
Will be a display of self-belief. You’re confident better is on the horizon, wherefore you’ll ensure better is on the horizon.
Find your purpose
I haven’t checked the data on this, nevertheless it seems once people retire, if they don’t find the next phase to keep them engaged? They steadily wither away.
It’s about purpose, with purpose you have something driving you. Something to work at or aim towards. It keeps your mind sharp and is invigorating enough to produce confidence, due to having direction being a significant part of self-confidence.
Don’t overthink it
“” he said while typing a lengthy blog with an excessive amount of bullet points on self-confidence.
I know ironic, the fact we are here means we’re already thinking a lot about it.
But there’s a difference between thinking and overthinking on whether or not you’re confident. Or whether or not you feel you deserve to be confident.
Don’t get too in your head, pondering your level of self-belief to the point of dwelling. Do that and when you’re walking around your city streets, everything about you will start to become performative.. rather than an emanation of confidence you genuinely feel.
Evaluate yourself periodically yes, yet don’t live in observation mode.
Reach a goal
Saying you want to accomplish something, then accomplishing that something, is the material you need for a solid foundation. It serves as evidence you’re good at something; an evidentiary boost can last quite a while.
Like being the fastest kid in your 3rd grade class or going undefeated at recess during the daily tether ball tournament (I’m the champ). I’m half-kidding, but seriously.. even being popular in high school. It may annoy you that your former junior year classmate still thinks he’s the man because he played varsity football, however there’s something to how that confidence came to be.
It’s evidence something was done well; that sticks with a person. This can tie into having purpose too. So set a goal, reach a goal, and keep adding to the list of things you’ve done well.
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Stand up for yourself
When you feel small, you have a tendency to let things go that you shouldn’t out of fear and/or lack of self-worth.
The irony is this includes happenings that if you spoke up, they’d be easily addressed with little to no issue. Like somebody taking the machine you were lifting weights at while you ran to the restroom.. although your phone was sitting in the cup holder.
Speaking up for yourself is not as scary as you may believe. Don’t go crazy though, some acts a confident person does let go.
So when necessary speak up, part of confidence is knowing when to let the inconsequential stay inconsequential, IE the McDonalds worker asks my name.. I say Nate.. the recipient says Nick. I can let that one slide, I can be Nick for 4 ½ minutes.
But when necessity comes, let your voice be heard firmly and respectfully.
Be comfortable with yourself
Accept you as you, even as you grow and evolve. I say this often and will continue to: perfection is not a precursor to confidence.
Be content with your core values and if you’re not okay with them or your wiring, work on it.
But your appearance, how you act, your current career path, what you like and dislike.. it’s all part of you in the moment.
Whether you want to brush up certain elements or not, find comfort in the position you find yourself in.. whether that position is in motion or parked at the station.
The only logical time to not be comfortable with yourself is when you stop challenging your limits, when you find yourself slacking. There’s beauty in growth.
Recurring theme: you don’t have to be at the finish line to have self-belief.
Upgrade your self-talk
Make sure your self-talk is beneficial. Not necessarily good or bad, easy or harsh, but beneficial.
I posted this relevant caption on social media some time ago (bear with me, I post almost daily.. a lot of captions out there):
What is your “self-talk” like?
What’s the tone of your inner voice?
Are you delicate, hard, or neutral about things you’re involved in?
___
Common literature may say you have to be gentle with yourself, but I don’t completely agree.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer, as long as the target is to improve your performance and self-image.
As long as the endgame is for you to be better.. it’s just about knowing yourself.
About knowing what gets you going.
Your method should also be fueled by OBJECTIVITY, it should accurately depict scenarios.
PERSONALLY I’m on the harsh side of things, so I might talk to myself in a manner that wouldn’t work for others. It’s not necessarily correct or incorrect.. it’s just what I require to stay on point.
Bad and good examples of each:
DELICATE
“Everybody makes mistakes don’t worry about it.” - Bad
“This isn’t my first and won’t be my last mistake nobody’s perfect, but it’ll only lead to repeated mistakes if I don’t evaluate what just happened.” - Good
HARD
“Quit being soft.” - Okay if it works
“Quit being soft you’ actin’ like you don’t want it, if you don’t want it go ahead.. grab your car keys and get the on. But if you do want it let’s get to work you’ burning daylight .” - Good
NEUTRAL
“If they weren’t so bad at their job we would’ve succeeded.” - Bad
“My teammate made a boo-boo, but I need to consider my role in our execution. I knew they weren’t fully prepared and didn’t extend a helping hand for picking up the slack.” - Good
___
That concludes my random baseless examples, but you get the point .
Figure what works for you and be cognizant. Inner self-talk has a greater impact on self-image and long-term success than you may know.
Get busy.
Come prepared
If you’re doing something where you need to show off a degree of knowledge.. IE business marketing 101 speech, run a meeting, speak at career day for your 4th grader.. a first date.
Come prepared!
If it’s a date, have a few interesting questions or topics in case your nerves kick in and your natural wittiness isn’t showing. Everyone isn’t good under that type of pressure and it could lead to you not displaying your true personality.
In this example you may not even use the questions, but having them could provide some comfort and confidence.
If the case is more in a professional setting, do your homework. If you struggle with small talk, the World Wide Web has thousands of tips to get you by. There’s always a way.
And you’ll always be more confident when you show up to the battle with a few weapons, as opposed to none.
Be prepared!
Do the healthy stuff
Get some sunlight, see your doctor regularly, log an adequate amount of sleep, workout, meditate (or some other form of mental relaxation), keep your body fat in a healthy zone, eat well more often than not, go for walks, and do all of that other healthy stuff you probably get tired of hearing about.
When you take care of your body you physically feel better. When you physically feel better, you mentally feel at least a percentage better.
Think about the hangover experience from having too many drinks, in contrast with a normal, not hungover day. When you lead a completely unhealthy lifestyle, you don’t realize you’re basically living with a full body hangover, until you try a different way of living.
Honorable mention
Besides it not really being my cup of tea, this method is popular so it’s likely working for someone.
That being mantras, affirmations, and other tactics along the lines of autosuggestion.
Autosuggestion is a way to reprogram your perception. It’s said to adjust your mind as a measure to change habits, often by repeating applicable phrases or statements until they become the norm.
You absolutely have to buy-in though, can’t fake yourself out. Genuinely believe if you want it to work.
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What To Do If You Lose Your Self-Confidence
Life is life and nothing is set in stone. I would say except your height after puberty, but I saw some dude had a surgery and added like half a foot to his stature.. so not even that.
Stuff can and will happen where your confidence will waver. You could land yourself in a self-esteem slump, and need a reminder of who you are.
So when it’s time to rebuild lost confidence:
Reflect on what event did or didn’t happen to change your inner feeling
Reflect on why your new feelings are or are not valid
Write these findings down
Find a solution to the problems
Take the necessary steps to rebuild your confidence from the “how to build confidence” list as needed.
Some days you’ll feel better than others, that’s the nature of the beast. But if you find yourself in a sudden inferiority streak.. take the steps.
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8 Ways To Display Confidence
Mastering personal confidence is the main step and main ingredient, but the next move is to ensure you carry yourself in a respectable manner. A manner that assists you in reverberating self-belief.
So if you want the outside world to feel some of your personal momentum. Here are 8 ways to display self-confidence:
8 Ways To Display Self-Confidence
Care about your appearance
I’m not saying you have to submit your résumé to GQ, nevertheless clean clothes without too much wear and tear goes a long way for the bird’s eye view.
I’m tying hygiene into this point as well.
Brush your teeth, floss, handle your odors, tame out of place hair follicles, no dirt under your finger nails.. you know, the basic stuff.
You can have the best body language in the world, but if your funk starts speaking for you - that’s all anyone will ever remember.
Clean up.
Limit fidgeting
Fidgeting is a habit that can be tough to break, but it does give off nervous energy. Nervous energy is contagious and will leave the wrong impression. If you can manage to mangle your love for unproductive movement, you’ll appear more confident and make those around you more comfortable.
Improve posture
It’s good for your back and even better for your aura.
Head high, chest high - there’s a whole world out there. Look up and take it in.
Having sure of yourself posture means something to the outsiders, but it’ll sneakily make you feel more powerful too.
Make eye contact
You don’t have to be creepy about it, yet still give eye contact when you talk to people. Return eye contact when you listen. It’s respectful and it suggests a level of self-security.
I learned a while back that when maintaining eye contact gets a little “take ten steps and draw” like.. as if you’re preparing to pump an unwelcome out-of-towner full of lead - treat the face like a triangle.
You can go eyeball, to eyeball, to mouth, then back to the original eyeball. The goal isn’t to look tough, it’s just to display a sense of self-security and trustworthiness.
Solid handshake
Old, but gold. A firm handshake seems to show a little about you. May not be an accurate depiction, on the other hand reality is reality; the perception of you may be altered by your handshake.
No scarf hands, don’t go in lazily as if you had your wrist joints surgically removed. On the other side, no I want to break your hand hands either.
Just a nice grip with eye contact, maybe a smile. Squeezing too hard says something about you just like too delicately does. Too hard says you’re a pretender. Always stand up when you shake somebody’s hand too - respect all until they disrespect you!
Compliment others
“Nice shoes, great insight, I like the way you bridged those concepts.”
Pointing out the good in others is the sign of one comfortable with what they bring to the table. A sign you’re not threatened by another’s positive qualities.
Properly accept compliments
I tussled with this one in the past, recent past in fact. Had trouble accepting compliments in an appropriate manner.
My reflex was to turn the attention back on the complimenter, with a compliment of my own. But when someone gives you praise you can respond with something simple like:
“Thank you”
“I appreciate that”
“I’m flattered”
It doesn’t have to be complex, those are feasible replies when complimented.
Accept the commendation, it’s okay. I don’t suggest you live and die by the praise or lack of praise from others, but graciously receive a nod in your direction.
Participate in the conversation
In social settings, refrain from shrinking into your imaginary cocoon.
Be in the dialogue, add your insight, and listen intently so you can make the conversation even better with your thoughts, yet don’t speak unnecessarily. If you have nothing to add, you have nothing to add.
Still at times your “something to add” is curiosity, by that I mean asking questions to learn more about the subject at hand. It’s a rhythmic dance of sorts, some conversational silence is powerful. Just be sure not to remove yourself from the chatter due to a feeling of inferiority.
As an introvert I relate to the tendency to do the opposite of this bullet point, but if you’re there.. be there and be present.
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My Thoughts
A confidence deficit drains the imagination, take a child for example. Think about how free their young minds are. They haven’t been compromised by the world. They still have an innate level of confidence to go along with their low social IQ, so their thoughts aren’t completely plagued by other’s potential thoughts.
You owe it to yourself to take action, whether confident or not. A fear of failure plays into inactivity, however the pain of not putting yourself out there lasts a lot longer than if you do and fail. Or even if you do and flat out embarrass yourself. Better view? Worst case you’ll have a story to tell.. being “embarrassed” really isn’t that bad and doesn’t really even exist, when your confidence hits a certain level. It can always be spun into self-deprecating humor or a motivational story.
Akin to confidence is the courage to face fears. One thing I’ve forced myself to do over time is, when I sense a hint of fear over something that could benefit me, I have to do it immediately. If I don’t it’ll linger, and the unwarranted fear will only grow with each breath. Living with illogical fear is a fear of mine.
Outside opinions largely don’t matter, buuut if they can somehow motivate you without you taking them to heart.. be my guest.
Everything here is a help, yet on the contrary the number one help is belief. You have to believe you can be confident, if you don’t you’ll just spin your wheels. But the car won’t move.
I have to reiterate, for maybe the last time in this post maybe not.. that you don’t need to already be on the podium to have confidence, You can have a decent view of yourself while the race is still underway.
I also have to reiterate that you can be confident while keenly aware of your shortcomings, in fact that awareness is part of confidence.
I now will reiterate the reiteration that perfection is not a precursor to confidence (last time I promise).
If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), you have to learn to maneuver your mind a little differently. I mention this because although undiagnosed, I have many of the symptoms to suggest so. I conceptually realized just recently, how I struggle to be a normal person when my mind is on one track. When I’m so overly focused on handling one thing, that I can’t manage to take 47 seconds to step aside and partake in an unrelated activity.. there has to be an issue. With that said there’s a new strategy I’m implementing. It’s to remind myself I have a plan in place to get whatever the task is completed. It’s not like I’m going to suddenly forget. A brief intermission won’t change the mission. “You can be you during the intermission, it’s not a crime.” he said to himself while obsessing over figuring how to add on page hyperlinks to a blog post.
Be comfortable not knowing it all, be willing to learn from others, own your mistakes without excuses, and embrace every flaw.. the ones you’re working on and the ones you can do nothing about like the width of your ankles. They’re there for good, get comfy.
Mindset: don’t be the one to seek validation, if anything be the one to validate.
To my fellow gents, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the dating pool being much larger as a confident male. Rich, poor, ugly, or cute.. confidence widens the pool for you. And at the risk of coming across as cocky, I’m speaking from experience. During some of my brokest points in life, I still was able to snuggle up next to some grade A women.. merely by being confident and able to hold a conversation. There’s hope.
To piggyback on that point, male or female, you can be the most visually unattractive person to walk on two legs, I mean terrible looking.. the “need to wear a mask in public” type. So?!? It’s you! You can start a skin care routine and keep your weight in check, but it’s you! Make it work! Accept who you are and be confident anyway! Why not? You don’t have to lie to yourself or try to toy with reality. If you’re not a visual treasure you’re not a visual treasure.. looks aren’t the end all be all. If your appearance is that of a booger personified: have the best jokes, the best stories, the most knowledge, the most integrity, the greatest overall personality, and make sure you smell good.. that helps a lot too. Jokes aside, you are who you are; why relegate yourself to the pits of inferiority over what you can’t change?
The bulk of confidence is resiliency. Being able to bounce back when knocked down.. that’s where the self-belief is highlighted to a greater degree. Rejection or failure or whatever life throws - just know if you’re doing the work you have the ability to bounce back.
Alright Self-Confidence, It’s About That Time
Today’s topic was everything self-confidence: what it is, what causes a deficit, and how to build it up. This wasn’t intended to be a one-time read, refer back to these points.. it’s not a moment it’s an expedition. Confidence is a skill, like with any other skill it improves as you work to improve it. This is the part where I thank you for even making it this far into the read. If you got something from it, feel free to share and subscribe to my email list. That way you won’t miss a post. You can find me daily on all socials @EugeneTheFit - Be great.
SOURCES:
[1] verywellmind.com/ten-ways-to-have-more-confident-body-language-3024855
[2] psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/201906/the-relationship-yourself