Principles To Live By As Men & 100+ Lessons To Teach Our Sons
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
The thirst for our adult men to have a code of ethics, and for our young men to be molded from the same clay will never be quenched.
But unfortunately, man to man information isn’t always passed from older generations - 25% of children in the United States grow up without an in-home father [1].
So maybe dad wasn’t around and maybe a young gent will come across this and find guidance. Or maybe a fellow man of any age is ready to change his life for better. On the former, I know what it’s like navigating the world on your own.. bumping your skull at every turn. In ways due to no male figure persistently pulling you aside showing you the way. In other ways due to a stubborn “hard-headed” mentality.
Regardless of how you made it here, we need gentlemen to find purpose and contribute to society in a meaningful way.
The days of neighborhoods collectively fostering children seem to be numbered as we become more connected on the web than in physical form. So here are lessons in the form of man rules you’d normally get in real time.. on the web.
Although these are man rules, many of the principles apply to ladies as well (I’m a father of two girls & 1 boy for the record). Our experiences are more alike than unalike on the marble. However, some specific topics apply to the gents. Nevertheless, they’re all rules you can pass along to your sons.
Here we’ll cover: how to carry yourself as a man, communication skills, framing for your mindset, relationship advice for all types, tips for human interactions, guidance for emotional maturity, and much more.
The Man Rules
If you’ve been following my blog long enough you’ll notice this post can be looked at as a piece, that fits the puzzle started by my three pillars of success column from long ago.
Whether you’re a: father, uncle, big brother, mentor, mentee, a grown man in need of guidance, a young man looking for structure, a single mother wondering what to teach her son, or simply a bystander wanting to peek into the male psyche - these rules to live by as a man will satisfy you.
Note: this is not the shortest read. I suggest you break it into parts and consistently refer back. Due to it being a guide to manhood and it being updated regularly.
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How To Carry Yourself As A Man
The opinions of others shouldn’t be the stamps of approval you seek in life, but the impressions you make do impact your interactions. The goal is to genuinely feel AND give off a sense of self-assuredness, without veering into arrogant territory.
That’s the sweet spot.
The way you present also breeds something within. Whether you see it as starting with the chicken or the egg. Carrying yourself with a certain aura makes you confident, or being confident makes you carry yourself with a certain aura – do both.
Without further delay, here’s how to be an honorable individual that comports himself with dignity, with a gentleman-like nature, and with a radiance of good will.
Be Aware Of Your Surroundings
Stay alert, stay alive.
Awareness applies to safety and to being present in life. When the boss is hinting at you stepping up and handling the main parts of your company’s next project that could lead to a promotion. Or the girl giving you obvious rhythm, hinting at the fact she has interest that you may be interested in looking into.
Or seeing that dude over there looking abnormally nervous in the public spot. The one that keeps following the young girl and her mother around Target from a moderate distance, aisle to aisle. Real story.
A few months back, an early 40s unscrupulous looking dude was following this college-aged girl with her mother around the store. I mean FOLLOWING.
My wife noticed his repetitious gaze, came to alert me and I started to look into the matter. Dude traversed half of Target.
Fast forward, I’m in front with my family.
Suspicion grew to the point I notified the ladies he had his eyes on, because when they made it to the checkout area he took a detour and parked in the eye distant Starbucks lobby. No patience either. This man turned his head so often it looked like he was aggressively rejecting an offer.
To close the situation I waited in the parking lot with my folks, to ensure the ladies we were concerned about pulled off safely without a tail. Could be nothing, could be everything, but you should notice these sorts of things as a man.
That child wandering around as if they can’t find their parents? The man trying to chase his toddler and save the stroller about to fall into the street? The deep pot hole that’ll immediately reroute you to the tire shop. Or the not so gentle gentleman with an unbroken stare, locked on you for an hour straight in the night club as you brush your shoulders to Wipe Me Down.
How about you stumped on finding a good marketing idea for your clothing business? Go watch that local mattress company commercial, I bet you’ll see a decent idea you can remix into your own.
On the other side of the awareness division is being aware of the real life notifications you send as well. Be mindful of how you come across to outsiders.
If you know you’re not up to any sort of nefarious activity, yet it could appear that way to a stranger.. don’t take offense if they act as such. We deal with reality on its terms. If it’s 5:50 AM and I’m walking the neighborhood sidewalk in all black, because I like to get my daily stroll in early sometimes.. I can’t clutch my vest at the notion of somebody in their driveway with paranoia on the face. I’d have it too.
Endless examples in a positive, negative, or uncertain arena that pertain to awareness. You miss out on them all by being too occupied with thoughts or that communication device in your hands. A lot of the answers to a lot of your questions are all around, if you just open your eyes and mind wide enough.
Read The Room
Awareness goes into needing the skill of room reading, ties into dictating energy too. We develop a bit of this skill early on in life. I don’t have to reach far for an example, less than hours ago my 1 1/2 year old son sprinted over and bear hugged me ‘cause he heard the vacuum cleaner start. No one instructed him to be afraid, but his senses said a sound so loud could be bad news. He incorrectly read in this instance, yet if it was a dump truck heading our way he would’ve been in the right.
We were probably more skilled at “room reading” or gauging our surroundings during the cave era, but it’s still in us. Reading a room is the art of assessing the temperament of individuals in your current location. It’s you quickly gauging the mood of those around you.
The way you can sense unspoken aggression from across the way. The way you can feel chemistry between you and another person, the way you can feel a lack of it. The way you can feel a sort of dampness or sadness, maybe elation within a group.
I’m sure at some point I’ll want to do more research into our ability to pick up on such things, often without words. A lot to do with subtle cues such as body language. With words - tonality, pace of speech, eye contact, length of speech, desire to speak, and so on.
To survive you have to read rooms, to be a leader you have to read rooms, to dictate energy you have to read rooms.
Dictate The Energy
Energy is transferable. When you enter the room you can bring it up, down, or leave it in place.
By dictating energy I mean setting the mood where it should be.
If it’s too solemn, lighten it. Maybe add some strategic humor.
Too unserious, adjust to the needed level of seriousness. Reiterate the importance of the goal at hand.
Just right? Blend right in.
Whether you know it or not, you have that power to dictate energy. And when you learn how to harness it, you’ll open new doors. When you learn how to harness it, you’ll know when and how to apply it.
Always dictate the energy with intention, and never unnecessarily.
Aiming To Prove You’re Alpha, Isn’t Alpha
If you find yourself in a “who has the most testosterone” battle - you already lost.
There will come a time when another male challenges you for one reason or another, laws of the jungle still apply to some degree. Could be depressed, emotionally untethered, embarrassed; whatever the case. The picture I’m painting is one where you’ve committed no egregious error to warrant an aggressive encounter.
Perhaps they want to look “alpha” in front of a girl, so they put a little too much emphasis on certain parts of conversation when combating your talking points. Perhaps you’re in high school and they recently lost a fight. Maybe they assume you’re an easy target for reputation repair.
Regardless of the canvas this broad stroke covers; you don’t need to prove you’re “more of a man” than the next guy. This goes for how you respond to the previously mentioned guy eyeballing you for a little too long, the dude unintentionally stepping on your shoes in the airport, and all that falls in-between. Abiding by man rules is to be above such skirmishes. We don’t do pissing contests.
You don’t need to prove you’re tough. You just need to exude a level of toughness when danger is unavoidable. That’s what bravery is, it’s not being fearless. It’s doing what you have to do when you have to do it, even in the presence of fear.
With all of that said, the manly thing to do is to maintain composure. And to remember what you have to prove is.. not a damn thing.
It’s Okay To Be A Nice Guy, But Even Better To Be A Good Guy
A nice guy is polite and gives pleasantries. Those are good traits to adopt and acts I’ll be suggesting as you continue along, but they don’t necessarily mean you’re “good”.
As a man you are to be “good” above all else. You point out the wrong, reasonably help the helpless, honor commitments, and abide by an ethical code. That makes you a good guy.
LL Cool J had a quick solid take on this, so I won’t even ramble, here’s the clip:
Hold The Door For Others
Door holding isn’t gender specific. If the approaching party is within 5 seconds of where you entered, give the door a nice hold, elevator too.
Unless you can’t spare 8% of a minute because your grandma just hit the life alert button – wait it out. Don’t be a caboose-hole (I just made that up).
Say Thank You
When you’re fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a courteous act, give thanks. “I appreciate it” is simple, yet effective. But you can go with:
Thank you
Much appreciated
Much gratitude
I’m honored
You’re the best
Greatly appreciated
Thanks
Or even my new favorite; you’re too kind. Show a bit of your character through gratitude.
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Maintain Your Fingernails
There’s a difference between being rugged and being dirty - unkempt nails is the latter. Clean and clip your fingernails.
Seriously my guy, if you try to give dap with those scissor hands you’ll start cutting palms Edward. A dap is a cross between a handshake and a high five by the way. A way to greet and show love simultaneously.
And it’ll be our last one if you scratch the inside of my hand. Still fresh in mind is a homeboy from high school, we hooped together a few days per week. My guy’s nails were so sharp and he liked to reach in for steals a lot.. one basketball game against this man and you’ll look like you did battle with one of the clawed up X-Men. The first time we met and dapped was the last.
Solid dude, but even if I saw him on this very day, he’d get a fist bump. Fool me one time!
Walk With Your Head Held High
I recall walking down a street in my teenage years and what sounded like an older gentleman.. yelled out his window, “look up there’s a whole world in front of you.”
A simple one-way exchange can change your life. Going forward, my head was up.
Walking with your head held high innately exudes internal confidence. Others feel that energy, plus they get the visual effect.
The world is there, look at it.
Say Excuse Me
Rudeness is a sign of insecurity and although it seems pleasantries are dying a slow death - you aren’t to contribute to the death.
A my bad.. Pardon me.. Excuse me.. My apologies.. Can I squeeze in here?
Something of the nature when passing closely by a single or collection of souls, when obstructing one’s vision, and so on.
Manners my guy.. Manners matter. And if you’re aware of an odor you’re currently carrying around when sliding by in close proximity.. give extra excuse. “Excuse me, I’m sorry if you happen to smell me too. I just left the gym.” They’ll probably smile or laugh and move on.
Shoot For Smelling Good
At worst neutral.
Clean yourself, clean your clothes, and if you want.. you can add a little smell good. We call cologne “smell good” where I’m from, but emphasis on the little. Too much is almost as bad as skipping a shower. I shouldn’t be able to identify your “smell good” from 3 gas pumps away.
Also shouldn’t be able to identify your body odor. If your walk-by-wind makes me wrinkle my nose, we have a problem H-town.
Take Care Of Your Skin
Prioritizing skin care goes for the face and all that lies below, figure out what works for you. Universal tactics are to stay hydrated, use lotion, and exfoliate a few times weekly. And in spite of the need for frequent sunlight, don’t overdo it unless you add sunscreen. Is appearance truly relevant in the grand scheme? No.
But right or wrong it’s a universal truth, caring for yourself from an appearance standpoint leads to more favorable treatment more often than not [3]. That goes for men and women, they call it a beauty premium.
See Your Folks To The Car Safely
Walk your people to the car when they leave. The chances of tragedy taking place are quite low, but it’s a good gesture.
If somebody comes over and it’s time to hit the exit - walk them out. The lady you're courting, the lady that held you in her tummy, lil’ brother, daughter, son, pops - it’s just good will.
Ensure your people are safe.
Be Cordial With Those In Positions Of Power
Your supervisors, your CEO, parents, police officers, etc.. “Position of power” the title alone suggests they could do something you’d rather not be done. As men we don’t invite unnecessary roadblocks. We have enough to contend with in life.
You may feel mighty, you may be mighty, you may be more intelligent than one that may be in power – that doesn’t matter. When you don’t completely control your destiny in an isolated incidence; act accordingly.
Don’t kiss ass or brown nose, I’m not saying to do that. I am saying there’s a time, place, and there are proper channels to successfully challenge authority and/or achieve retribution for potential wrongdoings if they were to arise.
“Play the game to change the game.”
I don’t recall who said the quote first, but the quote works.
Be Smart When Interacting With Police Officers
Touchy subject, I know. But it’s literally life or death when you’re dealing with someone that has a gun on them. Now add them having the law on their side. These thoughts should be on your mind.
Most cops are there to do their job and just want to make it home just like you. However.. if by chance you come across one having a “bad” day, or maybe asshole is their personality. Remember, gun on the waist law on the side. If they feel like it, they can make your day longer than it needs to be.
So aside from “don’t break the law”, to lower your less than ideal interaction risk I suggest:
Ma’am or sir
If pulled over have your license and registration ready
Two hands on the wheel as he or she approaches
Answer all questions respectfully like you were talking to a grandparent
Even if you know they pulled you over or are approaching you bogusly, keep your cool and talk with patience, you can deal with straightening things out on the backend if it comes to that
The goal is to get home, a bonus is avoiding tickets and such. I’ve gotten out of several tickets when I was a small town college basketball player, and later in life ’cause of the military. If you can find common ground somewhere, you may get away without even a fine.
Regardless, every profession has people that probably shouldn’t have that job. The difference here is, with this one they have guns. So being that there’s a greater that 0% chance you can come in contact with an officer that probably shouldn’t have that job.. just act like it’s someone with a gun.
That’s a good rule of thumb.
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Drink Responsibly
First and foremost if you plan on consuming alcohol to the point of being tipsy or beyond - arrange a ride.
But I want you to always limit your intake to before you tend to get out of control. You should seek to never lose your bearings and to never invade sloppy drunk territory.
The only way sloppiness is permissible is when a reliable, sober friend that isn’t afraid to body slam you.. if he so deemed it necessary to keep you away from greater harm is around.
And I still wouldn’t suggest it.
When sloppy drunk you lose some of your faculties and along with that some of your control, a man rule is to always be in control.
With control hampered, you get hampered decisions. Hampered decisions, hampered results. Some of those may result in death and/or prison.
Tend To Your Oral Hygiene
I beggeth thee, please handle that breath. All it takes is smelling bad breath on a person you don’t know well one time, and they’re forever on the “your breath is ass” list.
Brush your teeth my guy, floss too. At least twice on the brush and at least once for the string part.
In fact, add mints and mouthwash to the list too.
Respect Your Elders
Respect for those that came before us is diminishing as a society, but you can keep it alive.
Give grace to elders.
Ma'am and sir are good words to throw around. And always give the courtesy you’d look for if you were of a certain age.
If an elder happens to get a little out of line, remain steadfast in your display of respect by removing yourself from the predicament.
You’re a man with nothing to prove.
Maintain Good Posture
Whether seated or on two feet, you want your posture to hold up to the standard you should hold yourself to.
Slouching emanates an “I don’t feel so good about myself” energy. And solid posture is better for your back anyway.
Be Smart On Social Media
What you post, like, share, and comment lasts for as long as the internet lasts. Act accordingly.
Do nothing you wouldn’t want everyone from a child to a pope to be privy to, since one way or another it can/will be known.. whether it’s near now or the distant future.
I know you’ve seen people be exposed, there’s no reason for you to believe you’re above that possibility.
Avoid Thirst Traps
“It’s a trap!” 😆 Evade the thirst trap my G. A thirst trap is a picture, video, and on rare occasion a type of comment designed to get higher than usual social media engagement.. usually from men on a woman’s post. It could be twerking, suggestive posing, little to no clothing, interesting hand placement, or interesting gestures with edible produce of a certain shape.. the list is long.
Men are starting to join the thirst trap industry in their own way too though. And the women definitely respond.
Back to the subject. Unless you are intimately acquainted with the lady, stay out of the obvious thirst trap upload comment’s section and the likes too.
You won’t stand out
It’ll turn off other gals you may be interested in, ‘cause right or wrong, it makes you look perverted to most women
It presents as if you only want one thing
I know you and Sisqó may dance around the shoreline daydreaming about G-strings, but (I’m assuming you’re single in this hypothetical because if you’re married you should already know it’s disrespectful to do such a thing) it won’t get you the gal.
I know it may grab your eyeballs the way she moved her derriere to the 808, but keep your composure. There’s only downside..
Every time I see one of my homeboys partake in this thirst-driven behavior I take a screenshot, it’s a fun time for me once I hit send to the homie’s inbox.
Jokes aside, you’d be better off taking another route to get her attention. This one just puts you in line with other men she crossed off the potential list. If she has girlfriend qualities in your eyes, comment on less risqué photos, or engage in dialogue when she says something interesting..
Otherwise you’ll get lost in the sea of comments she ignores.
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Don’t Follow The Super Popular Attractive Girl Without A Plan
Fitness accounts excluded. The ones there to monetize on sex appeal is what I’m aiming it.
Similar to the previous rule, it’s a bad look. The caveat is if you’re shooting your shot or already know them, but if you’re going to make an attempt make the attempt.
You don’t need to be lurking follower number 6,000,001, and for the record if you follow 1,700 accounts where their avatar highlights the glutes.. you look like a creep my friend.
In fact, go through the accounts you follow now, do you look like a teenage boy that keeps a hand towel in his nightstand drawer?
If so, fix it.
Firm Handshake
Always stand up and give a firm, non-threatening handshake. Nice grip, not a death grip, but enough to show presence.
Grab on, give them 1-2 nice up down shakes, look them in the eye, and give a greeting. Avoid the scarf hand at all costs, if you go in like your hand is made of wet clay, you’ll send the wrong impression.
And to the non-threatening point, squeezing too hard seems like you’re trying to intimidate someone and/or screams that you’re trying to make up for some insecurity deep inside. There’s a sweet spot for handshakes to live in. I give a spill on it here:
Understand A Woman’s Personal Space
Personal space is a concern for all ages, genders, and creeds.. extra emphasis when it comes to women though. It’s the nature of reality.
Ladies, rightly so, have concerns about safety whether overt or covert. The fact they’re largely less physically imposing than men, you have to keep personal space in mind when roaming about in your city or town.
Put the ladies at ease by respecting space and boundaries, if ever in doubt ask. This is one of the avenues your room reading ability is to be put to use, along with your question asking ability.
Some examples:
Walking behind a woman at night? Either give her a healthy distance or pass her politely.
A lady doing lower body exercises in the gym that involve breaking at the hips in one way or another? Avoid lifting right behind that if possible.
A gal kneeling down to pick something up while you’re passing in close quarters? Slide by with your back facing her.
A gal bent over helping someone at a desk in close quarters? Again, slide by with your back facing her.
As a man you go out of your way sometimes to make people comfortable.
Don’t Stare At People
Make your looks brief when not in the midst of a message exchange. This goes for when looking at the dude across the room and for when you spot the fit chick on the Stairmaster.
Please don’t make yourself look like somebody yearning to be served with a restraining order, especially after reading this.. I’ll feel partially responsible. You must look at people, yes. But gawking is beyond surveying your surroundings.
Interestingly enough it seems like what we went through with the pandemic created two camps: those too timid to look up at people or those that lost or never had public decorum, so they stare like pre-K kids.
I suggest you create a middle camp. So if you see a girl you’re attracted to, go start a conversation or don’t.. but don’t stare. And if you see a lady with her man that goes double, we don’t invite trouble. We just handle the trouble we’re unable to avoid.
Look Folks In The Eye When Having A Verbal Exchange
Make consistent eye contact in conversation. Can it get awkward? In a way yes, but there are ways around the uneasiness. As you implement these ways the awkwardness leaves your consciousness, and you start to not even give it a second thought.
You can briefly break eye contact and return to the eyes, travel your eyes around by bouncing between their nose, cheeks, and pupils every few blinks.
Or try my favorite – focus on one eyeball at a time.
However you proceed, always bring it back to eye contact.. builds trust, displays listening skills, and shows you’re sure of yourself. I cover eye contact in the second half of this clip:
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The fathers that left be out here just traveling the world having a grand ol’ time 😆. Just a joke just a joke, the reward is much greater when you raise your children. I wouldn’t trade my 3 crumb snatchers for any number of passports.
How To Be A Good Communicator As A Man
As social creatures, I’m a little puzzled as to why how we give and receive messages isn’t feverishly focused on. The core curriculum should include communication classes, especially in formative years. That way communication as a man or woman is clear and concise, but the past is the past.
There’ll never be a better time to learn than now.
Communication is more than what you say, it’s how you say it. More than what you hear, it’s how you interpret it. It’s more than words, it's body language, context, tonality, timing, facial expressions, eagerness, communication has an almost innumerable number of factors. A lot of those are covered below, here’s how to be a good communicator as a man.
Be Direct, Not Passive Aggressive
Say what you mean and mean what you say, don’t do subliminal messages.. no hints. At least not when it’s serious business. Lighthearted conversations have room for more sectors for humor’s sake.
But other than that, no beating around the bush. This isn’t rap. If you need to get a point across get the point across in a straightforward, tactful manner.
Emphasis on the tactful part (more on that in the honesty is the best policy section). But being passive aggression is unappealing and not the sign of a secure man. It shows a timid nature that suggests an innate weakness that isn’t to be trusted.
A theme you’ll see with frequency here: reality is reality. Right or wrong, fair or unfair, some things are what they are. We deal with things as they are as men, and if we want to change something we work on changing it.
And in case it’s not clear, to be passive aggressive is to put negative feelings on display in an indirect manner: moodiness, reluctant compliance, “forgetting” to complete a task, procrastinating, excuses, heavy on the sarcasm, backhanded compliments, eager agreement when the topic they truly want to cover is brought up by someone else, and so on.
If there’s something on your mind, say it or move on.
Don’t Complain Without A Solution In Mind
Complaining without contributing to uncovering a solution is nagging. If you’re nagging you’re part of the problem. Stop complaining if you aren’t open to, or aren’t actively seeking or presenting a solution along with the complaint.
We as men should obtusely be problem solvers and only acutely problem creators.
““ he said before asking his wife to grab a hass avocado on her way home.
Find Comfort In Conversational Pauses
I find that a decent amount of people are uncomfortable with dead air, especially when they take on the role as the driver of conversation. They can’t stand the pauses. They believe it highlights their lack of skills in the chat department. It can get bad to the point where you’ll almost feel them squirming..
I’m here to tell you that part of mastering the skill of conversation is learning conversational rhythm.
Part of conversation is silence. You must let the discourse breath. Conversational pauses are okay and in fact welcomed/essential.
Silence during dialogue is natural. Silence during dialogue makes your words more impactful when it’s time to speak again.
You don’t need constant noise to have a competent conversation. If you just start yapping for the sake of yapping your words lose a bit of power. There’s also a rhythm to speech and similar to music.. there are strategic pockets you can intentionally hit that’ll make ordinary words feel almost extraordinary.
Get comfortable in the silence, “read a room” is to be pasted here too by the way.
Only Speak If You Can Add Value To The Conversation
If you have nothing of value to add to the conversation: can it, put a button on it, zip your lips, one of my elementary teachers used to say make a bubble.
Words are powerful until they’re not. Speaking for the sake of speaking is a good way to turn the power off. So don’t speak for the sake of speaking.
It's perfectly fine to not opine or respond to every single article of the conversation. If you don’t have extra insight, aren’t seeking clarity on what one said, aren’t inserting a clever line or attempt at humor, aren’t curious enough to ask for more details, or anything else you can think of that raises value in discourse.. leave it as is. Your time will come, be patient.
Adopt New Perspectives
Effective communication requires empathy. Empathy requires imagination. To empathize with another individual, you have to imagine what it would be like to experience the topic at hand if you were them.
That’s the key to understanding another’s point of view.
Developing such a skill will have you gain insight to what can lead one to feel a particular way inside. Making sense of feelings you don’t personally feel yourself is a superpower.
Note: I have to be clear.. understanding doesn’t mean agreeing. It’s a way of making sense of the bread crumbs.. do that and you’ll know how they reached their point of view. It doesn’t mean their feelings are valid or invalid, it’s you putting on their shoes to follow their route to the currently felt destination.
Whether you agree or disagree, you can find common ground with a simple: I see how you could feel that way because “x” and I agree or I disagree because of “y” - remember that. Empathy is a pillar of persuasion as well by the way. You can’t just tell somebody “you’re wrong” and expect them to slide over to your side of a belief system.
It takes skill to shift someone’s mind, trying on their perspective for a bit is a piece of the skill it takes. Don’t take on a split personality though, this is just a temporary exercise.
Feel Free To Agree To Disagree
Another art that’s losing popularity is where people disagree with each other and check this out.. remain friends.
It may come as a shock to a few of you reading this post, but yes.. it’s possible to disagree and agree that, that disagreement is perfectly fine.
Embrace agreeing to disagree, accept that you will not persuade everyone you encounter and everyone you encounter will not persuade you. You can disagree with another without considering them a public enemy. You don't have to cut all further communication due to a few opposing views.
Sometimes you won’t reach the same conclusions; that’s natural. There's a quote that goes, "If two people agree about everything, one of them is unnecessary."
I placed that quote here for a reason.. it was necessary.
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Convey Your Message Clearly
When writing, picture yourself as a recipient of those words. When typing, picture yourself as a recipient of those words. When speaking, picture yourself as the recipient of those words.
If you were the recipient, would you understand the message as it was supposed to be conveyed? Was the applicable who, what, when, where, why, and how clear?
If you yearn to be a man that competently communicates.. you have an obligation to learn how to take a complex subject and clearly communicate it to someone with no knowledge of the subject.
That's one of the higher levels of message exchange. But on a basic level, the recipients should understand the message behind your words.
Be An Active Listener
Practice active listening.
Active listening is when you engage the speaker at particular points of conversation to show interest, fully understand the message, and assist them down the information sharing path. Active listening is mostly about your ears, facial expressions, and your body language.
This is a man rule for a couple of reasons.. I mentioned effective communication being part of manhood, right? Listening is a chunk of effective communication. Leadership is also a pillar of manhood.
How can you effectively lead if you know nothing about the people you’re leading? I’ll soon get into how you should anticipate the needs of those you love, but no matter how good you get at that skill some needs or wants will slip through the cracks.
Here’s that theme again, reality is reality. Even if you get your black belt in communication, that doesn’t mean the people around you have theirs. So communication mastery will include you having to be able to receive information, even when it is poorly communicated at times.. the better you are at listening the better you’ll be able to fill in those gaps.
Some active listening tips are for you to let them know you’re listening with: knowing nods, a few mmhmms or something audibly reassuring that fits your style, and most importantly interested body language. Like a good interviewer would, you want the speaker to feel encouraged, comfortable, and heard. Do that and they’ll more than likely become a better listener when it’s your turn on the microphone.
The last step in active listening is to paraphrase their message back to them. This confirms you understood the meaning when it’s not a blatantly clear piece of dialogue. You don’t need to paraphrase 1 + 1 = 2. If somebody says 1 + 1 = 2 and you respond with “Okay so you mean when you add a single number to another single number the numbers are no longer single?”
Do that and you might get the Uncle Phil to Jazzy Jeff treatment.
Don’t Gossip
Avoid gossip like it’s a venereal disease. That goes as a general creed and to be more specific - don’t talk bad about another man without that man present.. tenfold if you wouldn’t say it to him directly.
Doing otherwise is less than honorable. Doing otherwise commands other than respect in the long run.
And high on the cardinal sin list is pushing your honor aside. It’s unbecoming, your interests are to be on a higher plane my guy.
Your conversations are to be productive or valuable in nature.. solving problems, addressing issues, exchanging ideas, sharing relevant or interesting information, making jokes.. proverbially kicking someone’s back in doesn’t make the list.
Take Caution With Upspeak
Upspeaking or uptalking is when you end a sentence at a higher octave than what you started with.
In a nutshell? Not so bad pal, not so bad.
But when you step out of the shell - upspeaking impresses upon the listener a lack of certainty or confidence in the words coming out of your mouth. As if you’re throwing darts in the dark, not really clear on whether the words you're putting together have validity or not. Zero self-assuredness is shown and when you convey a lack of self-assuredness too often to your counterparts, your credibility takes hit after hit.
On the other hand, uptalking is a useful tool for when you actually are unsure and want to intentionally convey it. When tossing around a thesis or some sort of partially thought out idea on the fly.. upspeak is the tool to let them know there's wiggle room to what you state.
I also have to note that upspeak isn’t exactly pleasant to the ear, use sparingly.
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Develop The Right Mentality As A Man
Whoever coined “the sky is the limit” misspelled mentality, the mentality is the limit. We take on the sky every day, but an ill mindset??
There’s no win to be had there; you’re not overcoming a crummy mindset. It’s undefeated like Father time.
So with your mindset being your limit if you want any measure of achievement as a man, you’re tasked to cultivate your mentality with intentionality.
How far you go in any undertaking, including happiness is about properly crafting thoughts, properly framing thoughts, and implementing a proper process for predictively productive thinking. I thoroughly covered an intentional mentality on the keys to success blog, I won’t rehash any of those points, but the foundation is integrity. That’s the ground floor of true manhood.
The steadfast willingness to abide by your code: whether facing a crowd of 330 million, a group of 2-27, an audience of just one other, or if the only witnesses are you and God.
No matter who is or isn’t looking you follow your code. Now let’s delve into the specifics for developing the right mindset, as a man.
Your Happiness Is Your Responsibility
You can’t set whether or not you deem yourself as happy on another person’s shoulders. And another person can’t tie their complete happiness to you. Happiness is personal, it’s an internal endeavor.
No one outside of you can bring or kill your overarching joy. That goes for mom, dad, bro, sis, wife, ex-wife, baby mama, roommate, teammate, classmate, neighbor, whoever keeps sending those spammy USPS text messages, and yes that even applies to sons and daughters.
They can contribute to the happy and will inevitably have moments where they knock the happy down a notch, but the picture in its entirety is a you thing.
Even the kids will be on their way creating their own life at some point. It hurt typing that, I won’t lie 😆. But non-fiction is non-fiction. More on creating your happiness in the happiness piece, I had to get this rule out early in the mentality section though.
Search For Nuance
Little in life is a or b.. yay or nay.. black or white.. always or never.. everyone or no one.. most happenings are in the grey area. If an article of information sounds a bit too rich, too grandiose, not an iota of sense to it? Then there’s probably more than meets the eye.
I lead with this because as our reliance on social media grows, our tolerance for nuance wanes. It’s as if we have to declare a major as soon as a new headline pops up.
If we stay this course, our ability to understand or effectively evaluate reality will expire.
If you get cut off in traffic, it could be their disdain for Chevy Impalas oooor more likely that they neglected to check their mirrors.
If you’re in the gym and decide to leave a station to urinate in the rest room.. only to return to someone in your spot? There’s a slight chance they’re trying to “son” you, “punk” you, or in layman’s terms intimidate you, but it’s more likely they didn’t realize the machine was in use.
If someone decides to vote for a candidate you believe is an imbecile, there’s a slight chance they are an imbecile too. Oooor they could not be that into politics, or they have a single issue they care about and see the rest as irrelevant, or they use different avenues to gather information than you. Maybe you could have a conversation and teach one another something, the fact remains there’s more than likely a grey area reason you find yourself on different sides.
When you search for nuance, you search. You ask before you assume. You seek out information before you conclude. To be a true man that makes sound decisions you have to know how to see things for what they are, not what they feel like they are or what your reflective impulses say.
This is one of those broad topics that is applicable to every fabric life has to offer. But our collective struggle with accepting nuance probably has a lot to do with a desire to fit in, an ease to conclude without digging for detail, the urge to be the first to make a “bold” statement, maybe even to appease a particular demographic and get easy likes on the socials.
But if that’s it for you..
Those likes won’t last, reality lasts.
There are more than two sides to many spectrums, so be open to complicated scenarios and outcomes. Don’t conclude too quickly, evaluation comes first. If you search for nuance, you’ll have better understanding of the H and 5 Ws.
Plus when the rest of the facts are ultimately revealed, your credibility will lose a few points if you concluded hastily.
Don’t Compromise Yourself
No amount of perceived success is worth sabotaging your morals and principles.
By compromising yourself I mean shifting who you are at your core to fit a particular agenda.
That applies to success in business, success on the dating market, in competition, the friendship department, even success in a single conversation.. all sorts of successes apply.
Honor and integrity. If it’s not you don’t masquerade as if it is.
Note: there’s a difference between being afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone, and not partaking in an act because it is against your code of ethics. Know the distinction.
If you’re a vegan? It’s against your code to consume beef. So even if I’m at the table with you, slicing an enticing medium rare T-bone; you aren’t to order one of your own.
If you’re not a vegan, but you only eat your steak well-done.. and I persuade you to come over to the medium rare side of things that’s okay. Your code isn’t well-done steak, you just aren’t aware of what a good steak tastes like and I need to open your eyes.
Compromising yourself is a fool’s mission for two more reasons:
Any success under false pretenses won’t be respected by the man in the mirror. You will look at yourself like a sellout. You won’t get the glory of internal joy that comes with succeeding in a way you personally deem honorable.
You can only play a role but so long before it’s found out you’re playing a role.. fronting won’t work forever big ‘dawg’. Those around you won’t be fooled for long.
Be Willing To Change Your Mind If New, Valid Information Arrives
Yea yea, you know what you know right? Right, for now.
Part of being a man is integrity correct? Integrity includes adjusting your opinion when new and relevant information is discovered. Don't stand on being wrong, just because you committed based on partial evidence. That’s allowing your pride to take over.
Admit you were wrong and make any necessary adjustments. Too often folks choose to live and die with "their truth" instead of THE truth.
So, with added knowledge you are to make augmented decisions, even with new perspectives you may pivot. Be open to those changes.. you sticking to your guns when you know deep down they can no longer fire is voluntary ignorance.
And a violation of the man rules.
Don’t Be A Hypocrite
The saying goes “everyone’s a hypocrite”. I’m saying dump the saying. Every person out here is not a hypocrite.
And even if everyone was a hypocrite, what does that have to do with you? If every Jack and Jill decided lava was the new hot sauce, would you put lava on your wild wings?
Hold yourself to a higher standard. Your beliefs, critiques, actions, and so on can absolutely line up. You can absolutely avoid contradicting yourself.
When your words, thoughts, and activities align you’re allotted a greater level of respect. Those around you tend to trust you a bit more than they would another individual. Y
One caveat though.. when/if an instance arises and you are fully aware you’re about to talk out of both sides of your mouth.. you just knoooow you’re about to contradict the shit out of yourself.. put it out there.
“I know this will make me sound like a hypocrite, but..”
It’s all about being real. That’s authenticity. That’s manly.
And another thing..
Related to being a hypocrite. Don’t gain new information then talk to other people like their intelligence is of a lower caliber, for not knowing what you newly know as of 17 hours ago. Minus an attempt at humor, that’s not stand up behavior.
They Tie Their Shoes Just Like You
A man is a man is a man.
They tie their shoes just like you, drink water a gulp at a time as do you, breathe air in a similar fashion, and rub their tummies when they feel an ache.. just like you.
No person is above you, show respect, yet don’t diminish yourself as if you’re less than. If they’re in a position you covet or admire - let that be motivational by all means.
But that doesn’t mean you envision yourself as smut on the concrete. This is where pride can be positive; if they can make it why not you too?
Side note: If you somehow read between the lines and felt this was a pass to be a hater, it was not.
I talk about hate and complimenting/finding motivation from others in this video in fact:
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Stay Focused When Dating
Romance is a nice chunk of the human experience, the reason we exist in fact. Somebody liked somebody else, skip a few steps, and little you grew behind somebody’s six pack.
Despite this need, your need to pursue a passion that ultimately supports you providing yourself and maybe others food, shelter, and necessities is high on the to do list.
You’ll date and date until you find “the one”, nevertheless don’t let these streaks of pursuit take your eyes off of the responsibility prize. What has to be done has to be done, that means you will sacrifice from time to time. You will miss out on fun at times, and have to let people down easy when you hit them with the “I wish I could, but I have to get this done.”
Every now and then you may be able to postpone something, and you may be able to make exceptions here and there. But overall keep the prize in mind.
You’ll rarely lose the girl (or guy or whatever type of person you’re attracted to) chasing your dreams, yet you will lose the dream chasing a girl.. and the girl too if she gets a hint of your subpar level of passion. Women are attracted to passion.
It’s reality, folks like people with drive.. I don’t make the rules I relay them.
If You Fall, Laugh
I mean it literally, if you fall.. laugh. Trip? laugh. Drop something? Laugh.
I mean that by definition and as an overarching theme.
I type about this a bit in the confidence blog, here I’ll say mistakes happen.
As a man you embrace the imperfection of it all. Having the tools to find the funny in your own mistakes is attractive, not only to potential partners, but in friendship as well.
Another thing, don’t be so in your head or take yourself so seriously that you lose your sense of humor. And if you don’t have a sense of humor, get one. Life is too fragile to not laugh.
Question Things
I started to head this one as be skeptical, although adjacent, that’s not exactly the point. My focal point is precisely for you to have questions. As a man you shouldn’t blindly believe or disbelieve, you shouldn’t even blindly believe or disbelieve authority.
Yes, there are established customs and practices we adhere to that allow a society to properly function, however that doesn’t mean have blind belief in any sort of structure.
That goes for the workplace, to elected officials, perceived authoritative figures like celebrities, and so on. Just have questions, be curious.
Understand the why of all around you, sometimes it’ll make perfect sense. Sometimes you’ll realize there are other motives at hand.
Sometimes you’ll realize you need to intervene in some fashion that you wouldn’t have realized if you didn’t have questions.
Sometimes you’ll conclude it’s best to leave things as they are for the greater good.
Be Decisive
Recurring theme: leadership is in manhood’s job description, for all of us. Could be professionally, socially, in the home.. can’t even overlook the need to lead yourself.
Part of leadership is decisiveness. When it’s time to make a decision, make a decision. Don’t put it off, don’t lallygag.
Consider pertinent factors, then choose. The pertinent factor consideration process may take time dependent on the scenario, but once considered: make a move.
Manhood also means not to ignore information. When new knowledge nullifies or calls for adjustments to old knowledge you do just that - adjust.
But even in your adjustments, be decisive.
It shows confidence and galvanizes those that are being lead. If the ones you lead get hint of a trend of uncertainty.. they’ll stop believing. Nonbelievers won’t follow for long.
Outlook Dictates Outcome
How you perceive the world predicts what your world becomes. With that said, be realistically optimistic. If your goal is to get money, you can’t believe your way into more money. You have to put plans in motion and execute those plans.. you are to have belief that the execution will lead to results. That’s realistic optimism.
Here’s a good slot for another “life isn’t black and white” message. If you more often than not look for the upside, or for how you can make a positive out of the perceived obstacles you come across..
Your macro existence will reflect that. If you’re doing the work of course - takes more than hope and feelings.
To the black and white point - this doesn’t mean you won’t have moments of frustration where you delve into negativity, but if this was a line graph you’d have a positive trend over time. Meaning those bouts of frustration won’t last for too long.
As a man, not even that.. as a living breathing individual, you have control over your life. With that control, if you see it as something that’ll always turn sour, then it’ll always turn sour.
But if you look for the sweetness, you’ll largely live a gleeful cavity-based life.
What you see is what you get.
Build Your Reputation On Honor
You aren’t to base your level of self-worth on the opinions of others, but reputation isn’t irrelevant.
Listen..
This one means a lot - don’t build society’s view of you by compromising your integrity as mentioned before, or by relying on a trend, or a desperation to be first.
A somewhat recent example if you can recall, is how prematurely ready the world was to say “R.I.P. DMX”..
So ready that when it was falsely posted on social media that he transitioned, half the population ran with it without confirming via reputable news sites. He didn’t actually transition until the next day. And although to some this has no relevance, there are families and such to consider. Imagine the rollercoaster of emotions his children were forced to ride.
You don’t always get cool points for being first, but you do get them for being exceptional. Instead of searching for the effortless route to prestige, perform excellently. Then if the prestige comes cool, yet if it doesn’t cool too.
You’ll have prestige from within.
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Be Appropriately Assertive When Courting
In today’s time the romantic pursuit is a tender topic to touch on. But if we want to continue as a species, us men have to learn the craft and learn it well. As a man you’ll be the one doing the courting 99/100 percent of the time. To do so you’ll be pursuing and any pursuit requires assertion.
Within this assertion be honest with your intentions, yet don’t press to where you scare the gal off. Of course each individual has a set of unique traits, however with enough experience.. you’ll raise your ability to read cues and understand a particular type of person’s go and no-go list on a minor scale.
The major scale’s no-gos should be apparent. You know.. you shouldn’t be flashing people. Grabbing on people you don’t know. Making contact with intimate places without a permission statement.
The obvious stuff.
Still and still, even with the purest of intentions.. veering into the over-aggressive/desperate lane will give you the creep label. As stated above, women have safety concerns that are usually greater than ours.
It’s hard to get the creep label off once it’s on.
Assertive: “I like you as more than a friend and I want to take you out.”
Desperate: “I like you as more than a friend and I want to take you out.” *after being ignored several times*
Potential psychopath: *Sends unsolicited nude attachment*
Quick story: I haven’t been single in ages, I’m a married man. My mental time machine can take me to what it was like though. Maybe I implemented overkill, but I would never even “double text” a gal. If I sent a message and she never got back to me? That was it. We never talked again unless we somehow crossed paths in person.
Ironically enough, this happened with my wife. I gave her my number, we talked a bit. She went on a vacation and left my message without a response.. I left it at that.
A few weeks later I saw her at Walmart and at first glance not realizing it was the same girl.. I approached. I was attracted to her, so you know. I acted on that. Once I was close enough I had the realization and asked “Are you Epiphany?” That’s her name. She said “yes” - that confirmed to me it was the girl that ghosted me, and I said “oh I thought that was you” then I kept it moving.
Where the story changes is I saw her a third time at the military hospital.. here’s where I slick talked her a bit about her following me around town and all that good stuff. Told her to call me, and the rest is history. Now there are little kids screaming in my ear as I type.
There’s a fine balance and being that it’s true each woman differs in the way they like to be courted, the best advice is to be keenly aware and study tea leaves. Here’s that read the room rule again.
This feels like a good spot for another good gem too though: undersell and over-deliver, never the opposite.
Stay In Your Lane
Stay in your lane big homie.
What I mean by stay in your lane is for you to focus on what you have going on, not what another is occupied with.
A classic Jay-Z bar comes to mind “What you eat don’t make me shit.” There’s an entendre there.
What they do is for them, you can learn and even find motivation from another’s success, but there’s no time for jealousy, envy, and certainly no time to hate on their perceived prosperity. That goes for statements like:
Why them and not me
They have this advantage I don’t have
It’s not fair they XYZ
If I had what they had I could do that too
And beyond..
You get the gist. That’s not your lane for one. For two you haven’t a clue what someone goes or went through to be where they are. All you have is assumptions.
Don’t let your food get cold 'cause you’re too busy watching someone else’s plate.
Feel free to study one’s process and siphon helpful strategies you could use, I encourage it actually. That’s where it stops, you have a lane.. stay in it.
Disavow Groupthink
Marching order: distance yourself from groupthink
If you’re unsure of what groupthink is, it’s downloading your opinion from the perceived majority, without considering supportive and/or contradictory evidence. It’s going along with the public’s perceived opinion on the basis of it being the popular thing to do. Perceived is in bold for great reason, back to social media.
The social site’s respective algorithms are designed to keep you on the respective apps for as long as ‘nonhumanly’ possible. The apps want to study your habits in an effort to improve their profile of your particular demographic. This is to more efficiently display ads. The better an ad performs for a particular paying business.. the more cash they’ll likely dish out in the future for more ad placements. They also share your information in certain cases, but that’s another wormhole. !!!!!!
With this being the goal, everyone’s social media feed varies. If the person next to you opened (insert app here) at the same time as you.. and you went to the explore page at the exact same time.. you’d see extremely unalike uploads.
The point? What you see is not a representation of how the average person may feel about a current event.
Why relevant?
Even if your goal happens to be to think like the group because you are Mr. Pander. You want to appease as many as possible regardless of if your code is followed or unfollowed..
You may be groupthinking with the wrong group. Your social media feed could be way off in accordance with what the majority has to say. The algorithm could be misleading you.
Now picture putting your integrity to the side to go with the majority, and come to find out it ain’t even the majority..
Current example
Drake VS Kendrick Lamar
Rap beef
Some feeds? All positive for Drake all the time, “He really destroyed Kendrick, all Kendrick did is cheat and make random noises.”
Other feeds? Negatively commenting on every move Drake made, “He’s not really connected to hip hop see? He posted a selfie.”
Some other feeds? Studying every move Kendrick makes and finding a potential correlation calling it brilliant, “Heard that sound at the 47 second mark? He did that because General Grant ordered his soldiers to flank the Confederacy on the 47th day of the Civil War.” I made this one up, but some of y’all reading this know I am not exaggerating 😆.
Other other feeds? Searching for all ways to discredit anything Kendrick did in the beef that would put him in a good light. “Kendrick is really scared, he wouldn’t challenge Drake if he didn’t have the whole industry on his side.”
Dependent on your feed, you could have a wildly different perspective on the rap battle from the next person. This can go for any topic.
So you’re better off gathering your own thoughts my G.
Better off not participating in groupthink.. unless they’re on the same page as you that is, which will be the case here and there.
But this hypothetical wouldn’t fall into the “groupthink” category. It’d be from a genuine place.
Don’t Follow The Crowd
Follow the crowd and you’ll lose direction.
There’s carryover from the groupthink section here, a lot from the don’t compromise yourself section belongs here, and the upcoming peer pressure block too. But following the crowd can get you in a pickle.. and that’s not a good deal 🥁.
I won’t add too much, aiming to not unnecessarily repeat myself. What I will add is about implications. The times the crowd is into something you’re not even particularly into that may have severe consequences.. that should be considered as well.
Your fear of missing out or being left behind should never be greater than an adherence to your code of ethics.
Scratch that a memory was just unlocked. I have a seamless example for you. It just entered the fray. Entered the fray unlike me as you’ll soon gather.
STORY TIME
Now picture a 17-year-old freshman in college.
For my sports folks, I was a basketball “redshirt” that year. A redshirt is when you’re part of the athletic organization, but you’re basically on hold. It’s documented that you won’t play any official games for the calendar year, in order to work on your skills and/or save that year of eligibility for later use. Good way for those already on the squad to soak up more playing time and not waste roster spots.
I wasn’t one deep in this either. A lot of us in fact, almost enough redshirts to form a separate basketball team. We would hoop against varsity sometimes and as you can imagine with boys in the 17-25 age range from all nations, creeds, hoods, and countries.. a rivalry quickly formed.
Especially how we would get the better of them from time to time. I’ll cut to the chase.
After a month we redshirts were basically a brotherhood. We all stayed in the same dorm away from varsity. The conditions were terrible too, you should’ve seen the community shower. I couldn’t care less though, I wanted to hoop.
But where it starts is, one of my fellow “we’re not playing this year” cohorts got into a tiff with a varsity dude. A funny detail is the dude he got into it with had a pair of pro boxing shorts, the official ones. So my brain naturally assumed my dormmate was in for a long day once they scheduled a “meet me later” deal. Like having shorts meant you were a de facto Golden Glove.
As I look back I was never given the details on how, yet this one on one turned into an all against all treaty. Redshirts versus varsity basketball without a basketball.
I wasn’t part of these negotiations 🤨. Still there we were.. young male behavior.. I know.
The point of the story is, I was met with an A or B choice that aligns with the header.
How it unfolded was I returned to my room after a few hours of solo work at the park. Working on my game of course, why else would I choose to spend college in a town with a population of 2004.
They gave the details I typed above.
They anxiously informed me of the situation while en route to outside, for this not so royal rumble. So a natural feeling of peer pressure and unsure obligation sent a shockwave over me.
I felt like I had a duty to grab some kicks that allowed good lateral movement yet I didn’t mind getting scuffed, but weren’t dedicated to basketball because you know.. the mission comes first. Had to do that then go outside and swing arms right? Had no other choice right?
I felt this overt obligation over the decision making of fellow young undeveloped brained men [5]..
So I’m sitting on the bed as they run outside. Me going slowly. I mean slooowly tying my shoes, trying to rationalize a choice to chase a fight in my head. Thinking on consequences, on where this falls with integrity, risk reward. Going through the whole list.
At some point I’m tepidly walking toward the front door, and the commotion was a wrap. They’re coming back my way.
I was like:
Daaang. It’s over alreeeeady? How’d I miss that?
I laugh now, but part of it was genuine while the other part was relief.
It ended up being much ado about nothing. They ran out, did a little spit boxing, and went to their respective corners. Spit boxing is talking like you’ll do something while doing nothing after the talking.
I was 50% ready to follow the crowd though, could’ve ended up off the team if it went the wrong way. And part of me was ready to accept that result.. from following the crowd.
Maybe I did the right thing. Or maybe a middle ground of reasoning with the homies about there being a greater good would’ve been a better bet. I’d been in enough ugly altercations to not be shaken by the idea. So that didn’t bother me much, it was the rationalization. But either way my immediate impulse should’ve been I ain’t fighting nobody for no real reason.
Then I could’ve progressed from there. Regardless, your decisions should be yours and your decisions should be wise.
Only Give In To The Right Kind Of Peer Pressure
Disavowing groupthink and not following the crowd, help make up the gumbo in the “Only give in to the right kind of peer pressure pot.” Disallow ultimately negative peer pressure to sway your decision making (broad topic).
Note: as always, when new information is presented that compels you to alter your outlook, it is valid to alter your outlook.
Ultimately negative peer pressure is the type that’ll cause you to violate the laws of honor and integrity.. merely on the merit that others you may or may not even know are doing so.
But all peer pressure isn’t bad. Some pressure is for your or the greater good.
If you’ve been the class clown and the friend group clown for years.. making all near and far slap their knees and spit up drinks from an endless array of wise quips..
And your peers notice a deep passion for comedy ablaze in your spirit.. and they pressure you to attend an open mic night?
They’re just pushing you and pushing you to give it a shot, in spite of your fear of failure? That’s positive peer pressure.
And those are good friends too by the way. Try to surround yourself with people that’ll drive you when you won’t drive yourself.
Honesty Is The Best Policy
Keep it real, but not brutally real. Honesty as the best policy isn’t a license to emotionally fire on those around you. It’s about upholding integrity and seeing the spirit of lying as beneath you.
Being too rough with the truth is childlike. It’s the result of low emotional intelligence or respect for those on the receiving end.
Winston Churchill quote:
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
Be tactfully honest, but honest nonetheless. That’s manly behavior.
Keeping up with a list of lies is too exhausting anyway. Even if you choose to be honest from a selfish standpoint, in contrast to a moral standpoint. Being honest is more beneficial than lying.
Retaining a tally on what lies you told when, to who, for what. That’s a lot of brainpower you’re choosing to surrender. You’re doomed to trip up at some point. You don’t have those qualms with the truth, you don’t have to remember the truth.
It just is.
Don’t Be Afraid To Fail
Not a single day goes by where someone with potential, chooses to not put it to use out of a fear of failure. As obvious as it may be, I have to say: trying makes failure a possibility, not trying makes failure assured.
There’s a non-negotiable ration of reality that no matter how good you get at rolling the dice, you won’t have a 100% success rate. Every time you give something a whirl, no matter how much work you’ve put in. The chances of coming up short are greater than none. It's life.
You. Will. Fail.
It’s baked into the process. Right there in bold letters.. at the top of the recipe to success.
And when I say fail I mean fail by the very definition of the word, but if we philosophically broaden the term. You have the option to subdue those “failures” to isolation. Your failure can be only in case-by-case outcomes, on a minor scale.
So you will fail in isolation, you don’t have to fail on a macro level.
How? By continuing on despite the micro misfortunes.
How does that help? You (should) extract lessons from the failures. The lessons lessen the chance of failure when faced with similar circumstances in the future. They also raise your real world intelligence. They teach you to sharpen your capacity for troubleshooting.. boosts your ability to find a throughway when the initial route is blocking you off. They teach you how to think.
Knowing how to think in this life is the most valuable skill you can obtain. So don’t neglect the lessons. There’s always something to learn from what you encounter, even in perceived victory. Most certainly in perceived defeat.
Accept that you’ll fail, however you don’t have to accept being a failure - that part is optional.
Your Life Is Worth More Than A Possession
You work hard for the money.. I know. So hard for it. You won’t part from it or any possession you’ve obtained because of that hard work without a fight.
I empathize with the urge and there was a point in life that, no matter the predicament I’d take the consequences to hold onto what I worked for. That time is long gone.
Materials can be replaced, life can not. The range on this one is vast, but I’ll try to be clear. Keep a mental note when bickering, or when you find yourself in scenarios that require you to decide on how hard you want to fight for a physical possession.
Could be as small as an individual swiping a stick of gum from your desk, while you were away sharpening a pencil. Or as dramatic as an individual shoving a 9mm into the small of your back.. requesting the watch, necklace, and car keys.
How bad do you want it?
Are you willing to risk the consequences of entering a scuffle over 9 cents worth of gum out of pride?
If you are, ensure the worth is truthy there. If not, how do you firmly address it without the escalation? Get creative, because you do have to address it one way or another.
Then consider are you willing to put your life on the line over a timepiece, a medallion, and 4 wheels?
Case #1 has a few courses of action
Case #2 is a bit different (if you’re asking me I’m taking the L. You can have all that shit.. I’m trying to live 😆.)
As a man the goal here is to convey the value of your life. For you to properly view it even in the presence of a reflex to throw caution to the wind. Don’t let the lyrics in music pressure you.. into thinking it’s wrong to have a bit of fear if someone pulls a weapon out on you. You should value your life, that doesn’t make you a ‘sucka’, a lame, or anything less than wise.
Note: this is a good time to mention what I mentioned earlier.. sometimes the person to fear is the person that’s afraid. Always remember that in this life.
This is what I want for your mindset here: if I can do what it takes to make a purchase once, I can do it again. And again.
The thing is that this only works for possessions and general success. Life is a one-time go. Don’t let your pride, and/or another person’s greed, and/or their decisions from hard luck have you give your heart beat away.
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Avoid Toying With Emotions
Hold off on playing games with people’s emotions.. have you seen the movie A Thin Line Between Love And Hate? Results may vary when you toy with anybody’s feelings. It could lead to slow singing and flower bringing. Not to mention the act is less than honorable.
State your true intentions. This goes for romantic relationships on outward.
On the relationship front, honesty policy.
If you want the gal, proceed in that manner.
If you don’t.. proceed in that matter.
If all you want is a friendship; proceed in that manner.
If you’re only interested in a physical relationship, express it.
If you have or are into having multiple partners, express it.
Monogamy may just not be your thing, express that my G. 45% of adults in America prefer a version of a relationship that isn’t completely monogamous [4]. It’s all about communication. It’s all about being real. Yes it’s true you could lose out on a lady if you choose not to “play the game”, but if you keep her around in a fraudulent manner? You never had her in the first place.
When you keep a gal around under false pretenses, you’re in violation of the integrity treaty. We don’t hold someone hostage to a false reality. We want a gentlewoman voluntarily around for a transparent reality.
Anything else is manipulation.
Manipulating and stringing anyone along, making them believe you have other than your true intentions is corny.
Feel free to disagree, but I’ve had a great deal of experience with the opposite sex. In my dealings.. when a girl falls for you, you have a certain power as a man. Acknowledge the power, don’t abuse the power. With power is great responsibility right?
Another notable is the inevitable reverse card. At times you could find yourself playing with the emotions of someone you’re with and actually love. The thing is if you do that love enough? One day they’ll gather enough courage or enough rage to retaliate. That retaliation can present itself in many forms, but they’ll all hurt you a looot more than you hurt her my brother 😆. It is not fun when the rabbit exercises its second amendment rights. Now all of that bravado you had is in the fetal position with no bottle and no pacifier.. just tears.
When in question think: how would I want my mother, or sister, or daughter, or any woman close to me, or hypothetically close to me to be treated in this situation?
Be Your Authentic Self
Don’t put on a front, no mask, no fraudulent representation. Be you. Be your authentic self.
You and we are multifaceted creatures with dimensions to our personalities. That manifest themselves in divergent ways dependent on what room we find ourselves in, but..
Whichever room it is and whatever version of you you put on display; let it be you at the core at all times.
The world will respect you more for it and if they so happen to not.. So?
You’ll respect you more for it. You can sleep well at night knowing you did it your way. Much better to fail as yourself than to succeed as anyone else.
Now for clarity. Staying true to your authentic self doesn’t mean at (insert your age here) you decide, “This is it, everything about me will remain the same until the end of time.” No, not that.
It means staying true to your core principles, back to not compromising yourself. What I’m getting at is growth is to be infused in the authentic you. Your mindset should leave you yearning for growth. You want the mentality to update your software every day, in fact multiple times per day.
But there’s a difference between expanding on your hardware and trading it in for the next Homo Sapien’s.
There’s No Honor In Having A Victim’s Mentality
Trials and tribulations are in the fine print. Right there in the terms & conditions we collectively neglected to read, as we eagerly raced to our mother’s egg for successful fertilization.. years and years ago.
A number of those trials will relegate us to the short end of the stick. They’ll make us situational “victims” by the very definition of the word.. AKA shit will happen. Sometimes you won’t even notice the shit’s en route, it’ll just pop up like a whitehead when you wake up.
Life is precarious in that way.
However, it’s not a badge of honor because you were negatively impacted in an instance. You don’t score points for experiencing hardship. It’s unfortunate yes. Sometimes extremely.. but is it honorable? No.
50 Cent was shot 9 times, if that was it? The buzz would’ve lasted for only days. Being riddled with rounds and going on to dominate in the audio and visual entertainment world, is why “he got shot 9 times” gives his story an extra amount of force.
The badge of honor is in the bounce back.
Honor is when you turn what leads many to having a victim mentality, to a victor mentality. I actually encourage you to never see yourself as a victim.
I want you to frame life as a series of events that don’t particularly happen to you, they happen involving you. Hard to have a victim mentality if you label the happenings in your life in this way. Opt for this framing instead of the human experience having a dominant characteristic, expressed as an invisible vendetta. An invisible vendetta that successfully lays its hands on you at will.
There’s no malicious force out to get you.
See.. a victim mentality is to psychologically envision yourself as the one that always loses. You view yourself as the one things are always done to, in a negative way. Even when the evidence tells another story. Even if you’re at fault to a degree. It’s always how they wronged you or the misfortunes fell upon you.. often with a disposition that it isn’t ever at the hands of your own mistakes.
Again, by the very definition you will be a victim here and there in your lifetime. But find comfort in that so will everyone else. It should be comfy, not in misery loving company.. comfy in that you aren’t cursed. You aren’t special in a bad luck way. You’re just like the rest of us. So when you see anyone you think has it all, or is on top? They had/have their share of tribulations too.
Playing the victim role can be enticing though. May feel refreshing.
On one hand it takes the onus off of you. If you’re just followed by a bad cloud your whole life.. any lack of perceived success or results is out of your hands. It’s not your fault right? You’re cursed, things were done to you so you aren’t the blame.
Then there’s the quick dopamine hit you can reach for, in the way you can quickly pick up a few likes on the socials. Talking about how the odds are against you. Just wallowing in victimhood. Ranting about nobody coming to help.. so on and so on.. I get it. Still it won’t get you far.
To get far you need the pay off from the other side. I hear the violin, but how did you overcome?
History remembers those that overcome; not those that play the saddest tunes.
To overcome, you need a victor’s mentality.
Honor Is In A Victor’s Mentality
A victor mentality is that of, “I will ultimately overcome.” It’ll have you see things for what they are. You’ll lose, you’ll fail, you’ll go through the downs. You’ll cry, you’ll experience bouts of sadness, and maybe even depression. Some of those Ls will haunt you for the foreseeable future.
But when it’s all experienced and it’s all felt and you start the tightening your belt process? You’ll brand everything as just another obstacle to negotiate. It’s all just part of the game.
Mindset
no matter what you come across, you’re fully equipped to cross it and overcome.
*poetry snaps*
With this mindset you believe you will find a way to supersede all hard times, in due time. And you will if you believe you will. You can always find a way my G. As a man you won’t give yourself another option.
After the superseding you can look back and tell the story of triumph. You can be the poster on a wall that motivates a bystander to get through what they’re going through.
You’ll be the battery in someone’s back. Energizing them to never give up or in. You’ll help drive them to refuse victimhood.. you’ll be why someone else has a victor’s mentality.
And they’ll pay it forward. Then at some point we’ll all be out here winning.
Being a victor is where the honor is.
Use Your Imagination
There’s a reason the supernatural is sold to children. It’s about creativity and mentality development.
Imagination ships your mind to where it hasn’t been, maybe where nothing exists. A world completely of your own making. As a man it may sound backwards, but you need that skill.
This is where you affect abstract ideas to enhance endgames. Imagination allows you to think outside the box. To brainstorm new ideas or remix old ones.
You don’t need a real life representation to know what’s possible. All you need is an imaginative mind.
Invention and innovation are the words that accompany imagination. If you want to be a breeder of change - imagination is the fertile ground.
I have an old caption on this:
Lose With Dignity
Oh the agony.. it hurts. I know it hurts. Losing is whack. I just took an L less than 30 minutes ago. Was supposed to get 12 reps on the hack squat, but I only hit 10. Small L, but an L is an L.
Taking an L means to accept a loss by the way. Not always a loss in a literal sense, like losing a basketball game. Taking an L can be anything from losing a $5 bill, to getting dumped by the love of your life. It’s coming to terms with an event not going your way.
I understand the urge to have a bitter disposition when a circumstance doesn’t go as you sought for it to go. I’m a hyper competitive individual, so I never have losing on my bingo card. As in touch with reality as I try to be.. I’m still shocked every time 😆.
Losses do and will happen though.. recurring theme.
At times unfortunately. At times fortunately.
It’s not lost on me that not getting what you wanted could redirect you to greener pastures. That happens too.
Still and still, whether you lose in a sport or out of a sport - be a good sport. Show high character by taking your L with dignity and congratulating the winning party when applicable.
I mentioned you can fail without being a failure, same concept. You can lose without being a loser.
Not saying you aren’t allowed to be upset, you can be. Nevertheless, being a sore loser is the sign of a loser.
Take the lesson and get to steppin’. You’ll get ‘em next time champ.
Be Objective
Disallow preconceived notions or affiliations to distance you from accepting reality as it occurs. Be objective.
Don’t be that person with a confirmation bias. You can support your proverbial team and still be real about it.
A confirmation bias is when you only acknowledge evidence that supports what you already believe in. Or what you’ve already expressed. Or what you want. You’ll close your eyes to anything on the other side. No matter how compelling, clear, or contradictory.. you’ll live and die on the blade of your bias.
I understand you may lean in a certain direction on a certain topic, but that is to not deter you from objectivity.
Your word is your bond. Evaluate each occurrence accordingly.
Pretend it’s tennis.
You go where the ball goes, not where your feelings say it should go. You may study your opponent and learn their tendencies, which could lead you to lean in one direction a bit.. but if the ball goes the other way you go with it.
Call it as it is not how you “feel” it is or how you want it to be.
If you can’t evaluate life and all that is involved in it objectively, your bond isn’t a bond at all.
Now when I say don’t let preconceived notions remove you from reality.. I’m not saying don’t have preconceived notions. I’m not even saying don’t profile (bear with me on this, I know profiling has a negative connotation). I’m saying don’t let what you assume affect what you see when it doesn’t align with what you assumed.
Profiling is to analyze and assess characteristics of something in order to predict behaviors. That’s how we survive as a species. Back to watching your surroundings.
If you see a loose German Shepherd growling and pacing frantically. You should prepare for fight or flight.
To not do so would be to lack intelligence. You profiled that dog.
But in your every day profiling don’t be too married to a pre-heated notion. ‘Cause even if you’re statistically correct, any particular predicament you encounter in the real world could be outside of the profile you created. Could be outside of a statistic you studied.
Then you’ll look dumb. If you don’t accept reality as it is playing out in front of your eyes, you will be the one with egg on your face when this individual differs from what you expected.
It’s tennis, you go where the ball goes.
It’s okay to have a profile in your head. Regardless, that shouldn’t stop you from immediately pivoting and treating all you encounter with a blank slate.
Similar to an earlier note: we reach for perfection, yet we may never reach it. In the cases you notice you don’t have the capacity to be objective.. acknowledge that fact. It’s okay to say, “This is my opinion, but I have to be honest with you; I’m biased.” You gain a lot of respect when you lay it out that way. And on the reversal, when you don’t lay it out yet choose to show bias you lose credibility.
This is in real time: I just successfully profiled, here’s my pat on the back moment. It was a gentlewoman that seemed to be a powerlifter of some sort. Her barbell squat form was too perfect to be a simple gym enthusiast. From the warm up set to the working set, she had masterful technique.
But out the corner of my eye I noticed the rack was suddenly vacant, bar still fully loaded. I did a quick pan around the gym.. the gal was headed for the exit. No look back or nothing. Out of there.
Here’s where the profile kicks in.
I don’t know what percent of people don’t rack their weights, but it’s more than a little. More than I’d like for it to be. Yet although the impressive lifter left with a bag and keys in hand.. I knew without a doubt she’d come right back.
My gym experience told me when one executes a complex exercise that way? They respect the hell out of the facility. Too much respect to not leave it how they found it.
Less than 3 minutes later she was right back under the bar, knocking out reps.
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How To Cultivate Relationships As A Man
Your quality of relationships and your quality of success relies on one another in a number of ways.
During the times “who you know” gives more credence than what you know. The times you need an emotional connection when life is smacking you upside the head. The times you need someone trustworthy to bounce ideas off of. The times you have to create new relationships. When you have to advertise yourself as a viable candidate to enact a service, be the lead salesman.. or anything involving you connecting with others where finances will be exchanged.
I can even extend this to the fact if you get into a romantic relationship, you no longer have to spend the time it takes finding a partner (I burned many hours chasing way more girls than I needed to at one point in life).
Note: This section in reality is much longer. Specifically when it pertains to relationships in a professional sense. But instead of rehashing those points. You can check out the old Keys To Success column.
As a man it’s important to learn how to make a relationship bloom.
But a bloom can only result from fertile land. If you aren’t tending to that kinship garden the soil will harden. As will the hearts of the ones you were in a relationship with.
Cultivating relationships is a spectrum from romance, to friendships, to family, colleagues, friends of friends, and at times strangers.. but if you do it well those strangers won’t be strangers for long.
Never forget you have to develop and maintain a relationship for it to last though.
Here’s how you successfully do so as a man.
Get Comfortable With Rejection
If you don’t know about the no, let me help you get familiar. You HAVE to be comfortable with rejection. You HAVE to be emotionally untethered to the word no. If you spiral every time you’re denied access to the yes club.. you are going to have a hard time out here my brother. A or B.
A. You’ll choose to limit the times you put yourself out there.
or
B. You’ll end up in a mental institution because you keep falling out in public facilities.. shrieking in agony 4 out of 7 days a week.
Becoming comfortable with making a proposition, and that proposition being consistently declined is a muscle that has to be worked. If you don’t work it, you’ll be too timid in the quest to find who you plan on spending your life with.
And you’ll be too timid to market yourself professionally. As a man you have to be almost completely unaffected by the word no. The game is the game though, some of those rejections will sting more than others.. but this is what we do.
From applying to a job, to asking your teammate to pass you the ball on the wing, to seeing if your daughter wants to watch a movie, to seeing if that girl on aisle 6 by the shampoo will take your phone number. We have to be ready for an emphatic no.
Ready for rejection without it impacting our self-esteem. Just review the game tape and move along. Evaluate what you could’ve done better in the exchange, and improve for the next time you make a proposition.
And when rejection surely comes don’t take offense and start name calling, that is uncannily unmanly. I’m specifically speaking on approaching a woman at this point. Even if the gal in question frowns, looks you up and down, calls you ugly, disrespects your choice in shoes, looks at her girlfriend and they share a laugh.. maintain composure.
You’re a man, be a man. Take that rejection on the chin.
You lashing out at a girl for not accepting your offer is loser behavior. It’s sloppy behavior.
There could be an amalgamation of reasons she decided to turn you down that have nothing to do with you. Or everything to do with you. Or a combination of both. Regardless, lose with dignity my boy.
Rejection is part of life.
Find A Unique Approach When Courting
Originality is king my guy. A unique approach is also assigned to a desire to network with somebody of prestige. That you see as able to assist you.
Now to romance.
You have to connect in a genuine/creative way. Think on it logically. When courting a lady, chances are you’re after an attractive person that is approached regularly. So you’ll have competition. Your task is to stand out enough to raise her interest in you above the others.
You have to orchestrate the sort of impression that’ll have her a number of hours later.. thinking about what you may be up to.
The vastness of these potential encounters is too great for me to be specific, even an online approach is to be considered. But without compromising your integrity.. be a stand out.
A couple of angles you can look at are to make a unique observation, or an obvious observation in a unique way.
That’s either invention or innovation. Here’s that imagination word again.
If You Invite Her Out, The Bill Is On You
To handle the bill when inviting out a member of the fairer sex is a common courtesy.
Gentleman-like behavior for one, and for two how can you invite someone somewhere and expect THEM to front the bill. You made them the plus one.
Unless alternate arrangements are made beforehand. You extended the invite, so go ahead and swipe that card big ‘dawg’ .
On another note, social awareness.
Be tuned in enough to recognize a senorita attempting to take advantage of you. If their goal is simply to bleed your pockets dry for a good time. Or to get a few extravagant social media posts up on your dime.. I want you to know.
I want you to know so you can decide if you’re onboard with possibly being used, or if you choose to end the usage. Your decision, but I’d hope your sense of self-worth chooses to end the usage.
You can tell when a person is more into your funds than your fun if you pay enough attention. The signs are always there.
And if you happen to not have the funds, get creative. Broke me got a lot done with nothing but conversation and a hiking trail. It’s all about making a connection at the end of the day.
Look For More Than Looks
You have to be attracted to your companion, that’s a given.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, also a given. But no matter how good she looks to you with or without those Instagram filters. With or without makeup. From near or from a distance..
No matter how attractive her walk is, her voice, her body, her odor, her toes, her ankles, wrists.. whatever it is that reels you in 😆.
If her personality doesn’t match.. If her character doesn’t match..
Each day you’ll grow less and less attracted to the gentlewoman. Even if she cooks, cleans, and starches your jeans.
Your bitterness will only balloon until you reach a brink. At this brink the relationship will falter. That could mean an end, that could mean you seeking what you’re missing out on elsewhere.. either way it’s mission impossible if the only draw is how she’s drawn.
Looks can only get you in the door, it’s ultimately about principles and personality. Do y’all mesh?
That goes for you and the person you choose. You don’t fall in love with looks, once the attraction is established it’s time to find out what’s below the exterior. That’s where Cupid really gets involved.
You Dictate The Energy In A Romantic Relationship
I’m telling you what I know not what I think. For better or for worse, on a macro level you dictate the energy in a romantic engagement with the opposite sex. You, in a visceral sense guide the direction of the chemistry once you successfully begin courting procedures.
You being a person of integrity, you being a man of your word, you handling business, you reassuring her of her place in your heart, you making her laugh, you having passion outside of her, you being a good father, you having emotional stability, you making sound decisions in most cases, and being generally confident.. will bring your lady a sense of comfort and free her subconscious.
That allows and implores her to be as “in” on you as your heart desires.
And by in I mean in. She’ll follow you to the end of Earth. She’ll do just about anything for you from helping you financially to treating your kids from a prior relationship like her own. Because she truly believes in you and trusts you.
Deeply in love.
We’re animals brother. No matter how sophisticated we like to see ourselves as, as a species we still have instincts or impulses not completely under our control. Men and women. Consider a gentlewoman choosing to stand by a not so gentleman for years upon years.. before acquiring the courage to leave. I’m referring to the kind of man that put his hands on her, violated their relational agreement with a number of affairs, called her names, and overall effectively cultivated a culture where she wasn’t sure if each day would angelic or of Lucifer’s creation.
The dude provided the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Tina Turner’s story comes to mind. And speaking of Tina it’s all over the radio if you lean into lyrics.
Lauryn Hill “Ex-Factor”
Mary J. Blige “Round And Round“
Destiny’s Child “Ice Cream Truck”
An in love woman’s logical brain may say hit the bricks. But something inside, something beyond her control urges her to stick around and hope for change. Of course this isn’t always the case, yet it does happen and on
Back to me mentioning men having a certain power when a woman falls in love. You aren’t to abuse that power. You are to lean on integrity.
However, the reverse is true as well in all of this dictating of romantic energy.
If you aren’t honorable, don’t handle business, have a self-evident unfortunate view of yourself, and are the beacon of unreliability.. her energy towards you will reflect such.
Those dreams of collaboration will turn dire. You being a partner she can’t quite rely on to handle what needs handling will create a bitterness, whether she realizes it or not. That bitterness will be aimed at you at some point. Fair or unfair, it’s reality.
And since we’re animals and an animal’s first instinct is survival. Then there’s the protection of kids if children are involved.. she’ll develop/display more of the behaviors she isn’t seeing in you.
How that looks in reality is her taking over more of, if not all of the leadership role she expected you to handle. This is usually from subconscious impulses too by the way. She’ll stop calling you when her car breaks down, she’ll stop asking for you advice when in a crisis, she’ll have a shorter fuse.. ready to argue at the drop of a dime, she’ll be less interested in spending time with you, less interested in being physically intimate, etcetera etcetera.
But you have feelings too. Eventually you’ll start to feel inferior, you grow more timid by the day, and you’ll either grow resentful in return or you’ll diminish your level of self esteem to the lowest possible level. And you’ll be walked over. And again.. fair or unfair it could’ve been prevented.
I don’t make the rules, I’m just reporting. We have responsibilities in a relationship as a man for everything else to work. It is what it is.
As a man you have to welcome that responsibility.
I’m not saying you must 100% of the time be your all-time best self, despite what you may see on social media.. you don’t have to have the most money, you don’t have to be the best dressed, or even the funniest. But more often than not you have to be a better side of you. Or one moving in a tangibly positive direction. Otherwise you’re not ready for a relationship. You have to be prepared to show her a generally confident version of yourself, prepared to put the family on your back through thick and thin.. no matter what y’all come across.
If you do that she’ll be fully willing to do the same. It’s just a reality of being a man, not saying it’s fair or unfair. I’m saying it just is.
If She Has A Man She’s Off The Table
My first question is why would you want to pursue a gal that is spoken for? What does it do for you? Be real with yourself.
Seems like a character flaw to work through. Your code of ethics should prevent you from walking through that door. No matter how much rhythm she may show you, your integrity should say to turn it down.
If she’s in a relationship put her in the no fly zone my guy.
Let’s play it out though, let’s look for the upside.
Let’s say you think you can treat her better, you want a relationship with this gentlewoman. So you court her and she goes along with the courting although she was already courted. You get her to cheat on her man. Moreover you eventually get her to leave her man, you win. You’re her man. Now let’s say hypothetically the guy you “steal” her from isn’t unhinged, so you don’t have to concern yourself with a revenge tour. Let’s say you and the girl ride off into the sunset.. just you and the girl now. How does that look in reality?
What sort of relationship do you expect? One full of trust and bliss? Think you can sleep with both eyes closed, fully confident, no care in the world? No thoughts about her giving you the same treatment she gave dude? I mean, she already showed you her cards, what makes you different?
Could you be different? Maybe. But is that even worth the risk with so many available attractive, intelligent, and successful women in the world is the question. History says when there’s an offer she deems better, you’ll be in the rearview mirror and not in the back seat.
But that’s that. Let’s say all you want is a physical encounter.
You convinced her to step out on her man or she convinced you to be the one she stepped with. You have the encounter.. now what?
…
Now you have to hope she covered her tracks and/or her man isn’t one that lacks emotional stability. You have to hope he didn’t read messages, find out where you live, where you work, or any pertinent information about you. On another rule I mention: the toughest of the tough get got. No one is above reproach so if in your mind nobody can out tough you, you may be right. But they don’t have to is the point.
The cemetery is full of tough guys. Seems dramatic I know, but it happens every day. There’s a percentage of the population that doesn’t play when it comes to their women.
I remember early in my Instagram promotion days. I was using a hashtag to like posts of people in my city. Was a way to find in person clients for personal training.
Liked a gal’s post.. a day or so later? I get a DM. It’s her significant other. It’s a lightly veiled threat. Something along the lines of, “I see you like liking my girl’s post. I see you like working out at (insert gym here). I like that gym too, what time do you go? I want to workout too.”
Some folks play by different rules out here, right or wrong matters none. It’s reality. Even if you happen to be somebody to not be played with, we as man don’t invite unnecessary trouble. We just handle the trouble that crosses our paths when no less strenuous options are available. And this case you could’ve “relieved yourself” with a single gal without the guaranteed worry of another gent having thoughts about it.
Only downside comes with dabbling in other people’s relationships.. results may vary and could lead to death, or whatever those pharmaceutical commercials say. I’m telling you I’ve seen a lot in this department in my day.
Sometimes as a bystander, sometimes as a participant..
In my teens it felt like a worthy challenge to take somebody’s girl and a lot of the music I listen to still encourages such behavior to this day. But that’s childish behavior. Sounds good on a song, but no.
A high school memory just popped up. I took this dude’s girl on a ride with me for a one on one lunch.. we ate, we were running late on the return..
We pull up in the parking lot. What’s there waiting for us? 4 young antsy gentleman. Yelling, running, and doing that “it’s time to throw hands” skip towards my car as I opened the door.
Just one of the times I was face to face with a group of dudes ready to put hands and feet on me, but that’s another story 😆.
The bottom line is if she has a man she’s not for you Jack. I’ve seen everything from fights in schools, to angry dudes pulling up to jobs, to now there’s a murder trial.. stay in your lane.
If she leaves her man and you still have interest, that’s another story. Look into it. But while she’s in it.. keep your distance.
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Anticipate Needs
This is a next level point when it comes to relationships. It’s the result of a lot of room reading and a lot of understanding your lady. If you aren’t keenly in tune with your gal.. it could backfire.
If your anticipations are routinely wrong that is.
But as you learn, mesh, and put in time with your significant other – you should develop the skill to anticipate their needs.
For clarity, what I mean by anticipating needs is for you to frequently know what she desires before she even brings it up.
She seems down? Pick her up.
She seems overwhelmed? Help her organize the mental clutter.
Does she have a long to do list today? See what you can help with.
You’re not a mind reader you won’t ever always stay ahead of your partner’s wants and needs, but if you keep your ear to the ground you’ll be able to infer like a good quarterback reading a defense before the start of a play.
This skill is major in the “he knows me so well” department. Yet it’s also for you to keep your house in order. We as humans aren’t always the best communicators when we need to be for whatever reason.. sometimes pride.
At times she won’t express what she wants from you in words.. although things could move along in a smoother manner if she did, it won’t always happen. It is what it is.
Noticing a growing distance between the two of you is notable too.
One thing not uncommon amongst a percentage of women is the tendency to break up with you in their head before in real life. There’s probably an underlying biological thing I’m unaware of, but they’ll heal from a break up before the break up sometimes.
Then they’ll inform you the relationship has run its course. And now you’re over there suffocating in a bowl of ice cream while she has her nose in the air 😆.
If you notice your girl growing distant and you don’t want it to be an eventual dismissal? Think on why this may be based on recent happenings. Anything you could have done or could do better? If it’s obvious, do it. If not, have a conversation to see what’s on her mind.
This is you being a forward thinking partner. It’s always better to prevent a problem than to react to one. Again, perfect world? All would be communicated. But we don’t live in that world. So the better you become at filling in some of those gaps, the more easily you can keep the house at its proper proverbial temperature.
Nonetheless, I always encourage you to communicate and to encourage your partner to communicate. With enough communication she’ll start to anticipate your needs too.
Set Boundaries
For a healthy relationship you have to let your non-negotiables be known. This falls in line with not compromising yourself.
You really should be clear about your boundaries at the onset of any potential relationship, even professional, but undoubtedly romantic.
It’ll facilitate your happiness, and in turn theirs by preventing easily preventable resentment. These are the “don’t cross that line” boundaries. The ones you’re willing to plant your feet over. Everything else may have case by case exceptions.
These are the ones you demand she respects. I also suggest you ask for her list of non-negotiable boundaries.
Me and my wife had this conversation waaay back in the day. Early in the dating process.
I let her know I wasn’t to be cursed at or out. No matter how heated things got between us, no matter how angry, frustrated, sad, or indifferent she felt in a particular moment.. that’s a no-go. She expressed the same desire.
Almost 15 years later and that respect continues on both sides.
Give Her Your Phone Number
Thank me later. Not exactly a rule, a suggestion. This was one of my signature moves as a single lad. I’m obviously out of the dating pool now so I can share some of my methods that had a high success rate.
It may sound backwards, but I’m telling you. Don’t ask for the number when you approach, give her yours.
Two main reasons:
One: it prevents you from doing the whole “when should I call” ping pong match inside your head.
Two: when/if she makes contact you know there’s interest on her part. Otherwise you won’t hear from her and you’ll just continue with your life.
I gave my wife my phone number, for the record.
Any Message You Send Is To Everybody
Whatever you say through text, email, or the DMs is to all parties involved and uninvolved. That’s how you should consider it.
One could read this and call it cynical. Or you could call it reality.
People are emotional and aside from you being completely in the wrong and needing to be exposed.. let’s say you weren’t or aren’t. Let’s say they didn’t like the way you didn’t abide by their desires or wanted to embarrass you for insert reason here ____. Now they screenshot and spread around whatever you thought was between the two of you for “revenge”.
Happens every day and some days leads to people losing their livelihood after being exposed. Morale of the story - think before you hit send.
Never Send Unsolicited Pictures
Don’t send nudes if nudes weren’t explicitly requested.
If you take heed to my previous point you would likely not hit send on a birthday suit pic in the first place. Or only if you’re comfortable with the group chat and beyond potentially taking a peek.
But regardless of what side of the send coin you choose to be on, if you just absolutely can’t resist.. get consent first. It’s in the law. The one with the government behind it and stuff, not just the man law.
No Dirty Macking
I know it’s not the most popular of phrases, so you’re probably pondering, “What is dirty macking?”
The definition of the dirty mack is to sully the reputation of another gent a certain gal may or may not have an eye for, with hopes that it’ll raise your chances of getting with said gal. It’s like when a dish soap commercial does the side by side comparison with an alternative brand. Expressing how they don’t really get your dishes clean.
When Dawn does that to Ajax, it’s akin to dirty macking. Think about how politicians campaign against each other, that’s not romance.. but it is about sullying a reputation in order to be the one picked.
Don’t dirty mack. Do not dirty mack.. please don’t dirty mack I beggeth you.
I feel filthy even typing the term it’s so bad.
“He can’t really dress”
“I heard he likes to cheat”
“I saw him talking to Gina on our lunch break, they were pretty close”
“He doesn’t like you like I do”
“But he’s a nerd”
“So he doesn’t keep your hair and nails done?”
“I’d treat you better than that”
“Are you saying you pay your own bills?”
*Insert male R&B songs here*
Male R&B truly takes dirty macking seriously.
Mario “Let Me Love You”, dude opened the song kicking another man’s proverbial back in.. “Baby I just don’t get it, do you enjoy being hurt?”
Joe “All Of The Things (Your Man Won’t Do)”, my guy put it right in the title. All of the things your man won’t do. He might be king dirty mack 😆.
Rap isn’t afraid to dirty mack either, Drake once threw dirty macked a man for getting his girl a party bus for her birthday.. like that wasn’t good enough.
Just a few examples of the act, it gets deeper. Outside of entertainment it’s a violation of the man rules to talk down on another man without that man present for one.
For two you want all measures of success, even romantic success, to be on your own merit.. not because you awarded someone else demerits.. not because you put hate mail in the suggestion box.
Refrain from dirty macking. It’s low-ball, far from stand up guy behavior, and ultimately puts your insecurity on display.
Preserve your honor at all times and if you win the girl, do it due to you being a stand up guy. Not because you stood on another guy’s back.
Real Game Is No Game
In the context of seeking a mate we use the word “game” a lot. In a romantic realm, game is how you present yourself when dealing with a potential lady friend to make her fall for you.
When game is viewed in a traditional sense, you’re expected to employ interesting tactics to say the least. Some not terrible, yet some demonstrably dishonorable.
You could lie. Maybe inflate some of your accomplishments, maybe tell her you love her when you don’t, maybe say you’re single when you’re not single. Say you’re interested in a relationship when you’re not.
You could make fun of her. You could try manipulation games like ignoring texts or responding extremely late. Or acting like you’re more of a busy person than you are.
I’ve seen guys intentionally text the wrong girl to make her feel like she has a lot of competition..
Basically different forms of manipulation. There are ways to manipulate without lying and that’s not as dishonorable, but that’s still not up to par with the man I want you to be.
That’s all fake game. I don’t want you to use fake game. True “game” is the ability to be yourself and convey who you are, layer by layer in a confident manner. That’s the only game you need.
The subtext of true game is authenticity. Hold off on ever swooning a gal with false pretenses. It’s better for you to be you in the long run anyway.
Firstly, you can only fake for so long. It’s unsustainable.
Secondly, each day it’ll be harder and harder to look at yourself in the mirror – nobody likes a fraud even if the fraud happens to share your mind and body.
Thirdly, you may just be incompatible.. if you falsify who you are to appear compatible – you are wasting time. Yours and theirs.
Be real, that’s real game.
Be Faithful Or Be Single
Integrity is to honor your commitments. If you’re not ready to be in a monogamous relationship, don’t pretend to be interested in one.
Be faithful to the type of relationship you agreed to be in or be single. You as an honorable man should see cheating as dishonorable.
And if you wind up in a monogamous relationship and begin to realize your struggles to be a one woman man are greater than your will power: end it or have that honest conversation with your lover. 23% of men admit to stepping out on their partner in monogamous relationships, 19% of women [2}. Don’t be a statistic my brother.
Part of being a man is doing the right thing even when it hurts. It’s out of fairness to your partner and in turn yourself. Have some d**k discipline big dawg ⏸️.
Protect Loved Ones
Ensure the safety of those you hold near.
No matter how far we advance as a species, the basics will always apply.
Safety. As the man in the household, you are labeled a protector.
Whether it be a reliable security system, you knowing how to handle yourself physically, you carrying a legal firearm, or mere vigilance.
Don’t sit with your back to the entrance in public
Take the position closest to the street when walking a sidewalk with a loved one
Take over and deescalate if your lady friend gets into a quarrel with another man
So on and so forth. Through it all survey your surroundings, read body language, and always be aware of potential threats.
That’s how you’ll secure the family.
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Tell Your Folks When They Are Wrong
There’s another level of closeness for you to reach with someone, if you’re unable to have the tough talks. No one is truly your friend or a close loved one if you aren’t calling one another out when one or the other falls short of the moral code.
“I could be reading this wrong, but it seems you are (paste scenario) and if I was (paste scenario) I’d want you to pull me aside and tell me about myself before it got too far.”
Blanket hypothetical, but the gist is for you to take on the responsibility of tactfully letting loved ones know when they’re out of line. Iron sharpens iron.
I hope the ones you love feel a responsibility to do the same for you too. You don’t want to be, and don’t want to surround yourself with yes men and women. Those aren’t real relationships.
If She’s Intoxicated Avoid Intimacy
Don’t go down the romantic road of physical expression with an other than sober senorita. If it’s an urge you mutually feel and would like to explore, the willingness to explore will remain when sobriety returns.
The less history of intimacy you have with said person, the stronger this statement becomes.
Yes, there are legal ramifications because one is unable to truly consent when intoxicated. But additionally, it’s against the principles of being a stand up gentleman.
If her decision-making ability is impaired in any way, you don’t want to help her decide in the slightest. No honor in that.
Keep your pants around your waist. And get full consent on a sober day my friend. No matter how bad she may seem to want you or how aggressive she is in the pursuit.. hit her with the “no means no” 😆.
But on a serious note, don’t be so thirsty that you take unintelligent risks my G. You can say something along the lines of, “I want this to happen between us the right way.”
Be Honest About Your Intentions
Whether your goal is to be in a long-term relationship or to not commit to a relationship – be honest about the goal. Not implying that it’s impossible for your feelings to change, but transparency is manly.
This falls in line with not toying with emotions. We don’t mislead people.
Authenticity is respected, being evasive with the truth is not. If you have no plan to make the woman your woman, don’t have her believe you want that kind of commitment. Give her accurate information up front, so she can decide on what she’s willing to sign up for.
There’s No Reward For Having A Long List Of Sexual Partners
I’m a man, a highly competitive and driven man. I understand what it means to have a particular set of urges.. fairly convincing urges. According to studies competitive men have higher levels of testosterone and in turn a greater sex drive [7] [8].
A cold fact still remains - you don’t gain much from aimlessly racking up an array of sexual partners. All you really do is waste time.. your most important resource. A resource that could be allocated to more productive proceedings.
There is great potential downside though. You could start prematurely adding to the population. Irresponsibly popping out kids before you’re ready. Kids with a person you may not exactly want to coparent with.
And of course you could risk the sort of infection that could lead to anything from a trip to the pharmacy, to a trip to the morgue.
I spent a lot of time avoiding this rule in my youth, luckily only time was wasted. But you don’t get time back.
I could write books on all I could’ve done if I spent half of my “where the girls at?” energy on something tangible.
We Don’t Kiss And Tell
What you do behind closed doors stays between you and who you do it with.
If you’re reading this as a male you’re either a grown man or are interested in molding your mindset into that of a mature growing man.. with that said.
You’re a grown ass man, what does a grown ass man look like gossiping and bragging to other grown ass men about what women the had physical encounters with? That’s beneath your manhood.
If they find out through other means one way or another.. it is what it is. But you shouldn’t be the one walking around with a megaphone talking about the lady you took back to the hotel.
No pat on the back from your homeboys is worth your manhood.
Perfect Your.. Craft
One of the themes I’ll continue to drill down on is having superior attention to detail in life. You learn a lot being perceptive.
The bedroom is certainly no different. Your pleasure is all but guaranteed.. ensure she gets hers too. When I said the way a woman can fall for you in a manner that gives you a certain power.. a power you have to be responsible with?
You being competent when physically intimate can go a long way to making her fall in such a manner.
If you follow subtle cues you’ll understand what is the right or wrong direction. Read body language. Listen and watch for breathing patterns, hip movement, all you need to know is being shown.
I won’t go into too much detail because this isn’t the time or place for that but..
What I do want you to understand is that this is a physical act. And an emotional act so relax on your part. Your calm/appropriately deliberate energy will enhance the collective experience.
On her part you want her as comfortable as one could possibly be during and days and hours before when possible. The hanky-panky starts way before entering the bedroom for gentlewomen. Wink wink time is under way at all times. Women’s bodies differ from men’s, their build up and possible decline is always in occurrence.. even as you read this text.
Pay attention.
Get Overt Consent
Related to only following through when she’s sober is you ensuring there isn’t a shadow of doubt when y’all aren’t sober.
Get clear, overt consent when sexual relations seem to be in order. If there’s a hint of uncertainty, get the certainty, or move around with urgency.
*poetry snaps*
It’s possible making such a request could slightly dampen the mood, but I’d rather that than you end up in handcuffs because you misread the situation.
Besides, you can find an enticing way to ask for consent. That’s not difficult.
“If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.”
- Greg McKeown
Live by that. And take every no as a hell no my brother, don’t beg don’t plead.. accept the rejection notice.
Use Protection Until You’re Ready To Procreate
If choose to have sex, but you’re not ready to add to the population.. pop open a rubber. Inspect the condom before you use it too, I’ve seen tiny holes in condoms. But use protection.
Two reasons: to keep a clean bill of health by lowering the sexually transmitted infection (STI) risk. According to the CDC, 20% of sexually active adults have an STI on any given day [5]. That’s 1 out of 5 people, it’s a fright fest out there.
Second reason is to lower the “she got pregnant and I wasn’t ready” risk. We don’t need your laziness or desire to “feel everything” to overlook the responsibility that could come with the laziness.
And this goes for whether she says she’s on birth control or not my guy. Your life is your responsibility. Even if we took STI potential off the table. You have no way of knowing she’s consistent with her contraceptives.
Your life your responsibility.
If you’re a lady reading this you do the same; take control for your sake. Take control for the potential child’s sake. Thinking from a physics standpoint.. I imagine you can’t exactly tell what’s going on down there when it pertains to, “Does he still have the condom on or not.”
Live on the safe side and take matters into your own hands. We don’t live in a perfect world we live in the real world. You have to proceed accordingly.
Put Yourself On Child Support
The header probably made you scratch your head, may seem a bit random too.. but yes. I opened this column with the statistic on 25% of children growing up without a father in the home [1]. That means there are a lot of absentee dads and a lot of dads that coparent from a distance.
God, the universe, or whatever you do or don’t believe in forbid you end up in such a predicament. Unless you planned it from the start that is.
Hard, yet necessary topic. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. With the best intentions things sometimes fall apart. One of those things could leave you with a split family.
In the event your family parts, you never marry the mother of your child, or anything of the nature that has you with a kid minus full custody or a marriage license - put yourself on child support.
For one it protects you financially since there will be clearly documented evidence of you providing support. Two it protects the mother from having to regularly move her life around to accommodate you.. especially if y’all aren’t on the best of terms. But thirdly and most importantly this gives you legal visitation rights and a schedule.
It’s best for all parties involved if y’all can put personal feelings to the side and focus on the young ones, but in the event that isn’t the case having your rights legally backed prevents issues.
With your rights you never have to worry about or have an excuse for not being a present father. Can’t say “she didn’t let me see the kids”, can’t say “she kept me from calling”, you clear the runway for you and the littles. You give yourself the leverage you need to be the best dad you can be given the circumstances.
So regardless of how you or the mother feels, nothing will or should stop you from raising your offspring because..
(Refer to next section)
You Have To Be A Good Father
You aren’t fulfilling your duty as a man if you don’t take care of your kids.
Nothing further your honor.
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Don’t Risk Your Friendship Over An Arbitrary Girl
Don’t risk a friendship over a miss that isn’t your miss. Specifically a miss your homeboy stated he adores and is pursuing. More specifically a miss your homeboy is in pursuit of, and you have zero ties to.
If you already have a connection and interest in the same gal, transparency. Have the conversation. Men tend to present an “I don’t care” attitude, then silently hold a grudge because they do care. So do the manly thing and have a talk.
In a related situation.. let’s say for some reason they don’t make it to a relationship stage. And you somehow connect with the girl afterward, be forthright.
Say what the situation is to save the friendship. That’s honorable.
Brotherhood has died many of times over a gal neither of the brothers would remember 5 years later.
Note: it’s not uncommon for men to date someone their friend dated previously. Not my thing personally, but it happens. If you take that route at some point: have the conversation beforehand. Save the friendship.
Another note: don’t act weird when women come around either. That’s square activity. Guys have a tendency to start acting extra macho, to start dirty macking homies, overtly trying to make themselves appear superior. Having money fall out of their pockets and junk. Relax my guy. It doesn’t even take all of that to get a lady’s attention. Have some couth. If you are all in a party or whatever the case and are eyeing the same gal? You are to still pursue her with your dignity intact.
Shield Yourself From Manipulation
We covered to not manipulate; I also stand for not being romantically manipulated.
If the gal comes to you hot one day, cold the next.. continuously bouncing from one temperature section to the other..
One day y’all can talk for hours on the phone, get so lost in conversation that you find yourself upside down on the coach phone to ear..
Only for your calls and texts to go unanswered for days at a time.. then she’s right back with an inadequate excuse as if nothing happened?
It’s manipulation my guy. Whether with or without intention, that’s what it is.
Say no to emotional tampering.
Keep a standard for yourself to where you’ll put your foot down and demand consistency or you’ll chunk the deuce. And by chunk the deuce I mean end whatever version of a fair weather relationship you call this.
Just cut your losses.
In these cases it’s usually as simple as she’s not that into you, and only hits your line when she’s bored. Or being ignored by the one she truly wants. The game is the game.
You Want Somebody, But You don’t Need Somebody
If you don’t have a burning desire brewing over the sticks of your soul.. a blazing passion for your long-term partner? We have an issue. But as intense of a feeling as you may have. You don’t need somebody. You want somebody.
This distinction changes everything.
Needing someone is a hazard, and it’s not exactly love.. it’s comfort like a pacifier. It’s dependency. It could lead to you settling just to prevent loneliness.
Part of why I suggest a certain level of self-security before committing to a relationship. I need you completely content whether you’re single or spoken for. That way when you do decide to commit to a gentlewoman.. there’s not a hint of desperation influencing the choice. It’s out of pure desire, not need.
You’re not eating because you’re hungry, you’re eating because the dish in front of you has the kind of flavor that jumps off the plate. Your yearn for a person’s companionship, when you know how to be just fine alone is the biggest compliment to them too.
You chose them and all of the responsibilities that a relationship entails over being a bachelor.. even though you were satisfied with the bachelor life.
Needing a mate is you shaking in your boots at the mere notion of being alone. Maybe a fear of dying alone. But aside from it being a poor way to view somebody, it leads to you displaying that need in a needy.. unattractive way.
Excessively clingy
Texting and calling 24/7
Deflating displays of jealousy
Numerous cries for attention
An endless need for reassurance
You lose your personality and being with that person becomes your personality
I can’t lie that needy stuff can get annoying my G. If you’re too needy you’ll turn one’s love for you to disdain rather hastily.
That jealousy stuff will definitely turn a gal off though. Checking phones, pleading for passwords, raiding email inboxes, insisting she blocks certain individuals from her contacts or on social media.
If you have deep suspicions based on “interesting” activity coupled with a hint of inexplicable emotional distance? Ask her about it. If you can’t trust the honesty in her response you may need to rethink that relationship anyway. It either means she’s untrustworthy or your paranoia is too high for this kind of companionship. Can’t be with someone if you don’t trust their responses to a direct question. This ain’t Law And Order. You don’t do investigations.
If you have a question ask a question, that’s it.
But neediness isn’t in the health aisle. No matter how much you love cheese pizza, if you have cheese pizza during and between meals.. soon you’ll need a break from cheese pizza. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, give ‘shawty’ some space. Get a hobby.
Relational health is to want someone, not need someone.
You also are to seek a partner with a similar mindset.. you don’t want somebody needing you. That’s where you start seeing unexplained shadowy figures in the bedroom window at night.. all because you fell asleep in the middle of responding to a text message.
Another person’s dependency can also distract you from focusing on some of your career-related goals too by the way. I was once in the talking stage with a gal in high school. She wanted me to stop practicing basketball. One of the conversations always sticks out in my mind, ‘cause it was a peek into her psyche:
*ring-ring, ring-ring*
Me: What’s the dealio?
Gal in question: What you up to?
Me: Got a date with Spalding (basketball brand), need to get 100 shots up.
Gal in question: For what? You need to be here. Spalding can’t do you for you what I can do for you.
Me laughing: You think you can do what Spalding can do?
Avoid overt neediness and avoid being overtly needy.
There’s No Such Thing As Out Of Your League
Any available lady can be had if you are, or are on course to being the man you have the potential to be.
Your psyche shouldn’t even be able to fathom, “She’s too good for me.”
Maybe a logical “I’m not where I want to be in life for the type of relationship I’d want from her.” But never anything hinting at her worth being above yours. In fact, you should be in tune with yourself enough to ensure she checks your necessary boxes.. you should ask, “Is she good enough for me??”
Now just because she can be had doesn’t mean she will. Some deals are more difficult to close than others. A Rubik’s cube of circumstances are at play at all times. So like we talked about. Be okay with and comfortable with rejection and accept rejection gracefully.
There is no impossible though. There is no “out of my league”. If you’re on top of your business as a man you are the league!
Don’t forfeit the game before you even lace your sneakers up. She dreams at night just like you. Shivers when she’s cold just like you. Wipes the crust from her eyes in the same manner and picks her nose when she notices a booger..
Just like you.
I’m aware some ladies may come across this section and disagree, but I’ve been in the field enough to know. Women have a “type” until they have a new type.
Once face to face with a charming, confident, self-aware man? Suddenly there’s a new type.
Suddenly those height and income requirements have a little more wiggle room. “I need a 6’4 basketball player with no kids.” Sounds good until the chubby dude next to you in traffic school has you blushing, stroking your hair, and laughing until your stomach is in pain. And just like that, a 5’5 king is picking you up for dinner.
A story as old as time my G. She’s not out of your league. Nevertheless, it’s fair for everyone to have a baseline standard. That standard should just be based on what their principalities are. All else is negotiable, whether you know it or not.
Once again, I don’t make the rules.
Beware Of A Set Up
For whatever reason: bad parents, absentee parents, tough environment.. the reason is a conversation for another day. We’re dealing with reality.
If you have something of perceived value, whether it be money or otherwise – you may be seen as a “lick”.
Being seen as a lick means an easy target to take advantage of. In this case set up for a robbery of some sort.
Don’t let everyone know where you live before you really get a chance to know them. And during the “get to know” process don’t gloss over red flags. Pay attention to the warning signs.
This goes for new homeboys too. The wrong kind of dude will undoubtedly set you up. A “friend” of mine was responsible for a heist that took place at my house. I remember vividly.
They took my throwback jerseys, multiple pairs of shoes, my still in the box X-Box 360, and if you thought that was enough a pack of Winterfresh bubblegum.
But on the ladies..
Look out for how she carries herself, who she hangs around, what type of questions she asks you, how interested she is in your belongings.. better safe than sorry.
I’ve seen unfortunate things happen behind assuming it’s not possible, just because genetically she produces less testosterone. The right woman won’t hesitate to have her homeboys break in your house and take everything. She’ll have you coming home to nothing but a kitchen sink and a dishwasher.
Be careful laying your head at the house of people you aren’t extensively familiar with too. They can set you up in that way as well. Plus there’s the chance she lied about her and her ex being separated.. now you have to fight for your life because her unhinged baby daddy just slashed your tires, and now he’s banging on the door.
And to my ladies reading this, don’t let men know where you reside at too early for the same reasons plus more.
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How To Optimize Human Interactions As A Man
You know the phrase: treat others the way you want to be treated. Some proverbs are overused, some stand the test of time for good reason.
Simply put, if you want to optimize your interactions with fellow human beings; follow the phrase.
Not only does it apply in that you receive immediate positive feedback - it’s good juju. With good juju you tend to mix with others in a more flavorful way, in wildly varying scenarios.
Here’s how to improve how you mix:
Be Able To Work Within A Team
Being comfortable within the construct of a team aiming to accomplish shared goals.. is a skill we’d all be better with, than without.
Teamwork may require you to play a marginally contributive role, requiring you to only do what’s necessary for success. You won’t always be tasked with being the face.
You have to be able to check your ego in these instances.
Knowing what position is best for what moment, to accomplish a particular task at a particular point in time is a necessary tool.
Because sometimes you’ll need to run or direct the whole show.
Master Conflict Resolution
One of the pillars of the manhood manuscript is for your confidence to drive past “I have something to prove to them” BLVD.
To bypass the mentioned checkpoint, you are to master conflict resolution. Use your logic and people skills en route to the root of the problem as opposed to the symptom.
More often than not, you should be able to solve problems that may lead to violence before they lead to violence.
Walking away from brewing scuffles, talking the issue out that is almost always the result of miscommunication, and/or by avoiding pissing contests altogether.. as you were briefed on before. Keep this in the forefront of your mind: there’s a difference between backing down and moving on.
STORY TIME
I’ll share some more.. picture a young me in Giessan Germany. Middle school, 7th grade.
We weirdly moved there in April, but it’s a military thing. I’m the new kid around.. warranted or not I’ve for the most part attracted people that would like to be cool with me. Boys and girls.
Of course I didn’t have a 100% success rate, but a lot more often than not I got along with people. I could never put a finger on the others maybe I didn’t ingratiate myself enough, but a few times it was obvious envy.
The point is a fellow middle schooler of the male gender that I was completely unacquainted with, just crossed paths in the hall a time or two. Skateboard type, he had on the wide sole DC type of shoes.
Small school even with it being 7-12th grade. Not the best idea ‘cause I remember how this 19 year old senior would try to get with some of the 7th grade girls. But the size of the facility made me known by name pretty quickly you’ll see why that’s relevant soon.
Moving forward I’m walking between classes and me and DC dude bumped shoulders in the hall.
I can’t say who was at fault maybe me maybe him maybe ill fate. But he was ready to go about it, I was not. He starts yelling, crowd quickly surrounds.
A few voices in the group yell something along the lines of, “You don’t want those problems with Nate! (My first name is Nathan).” I take a look at dude and do calculations in my head, everything about him screamed this would be a very unfair event. And dude will be picked on for the rest of his Germany stay if I lay hands upon him. Not saying I was or am the greatest of fighters, but my assessment game is decent.
Despite the crowd’s chants and his eagerness to brawl. Without saying a word I looked him in the eye for a two Mississippi.. then strolled to class. Subconsciously I made a decision to not fight a fight for the sake of fighting that day.. I chose to ignore my ego. Of course I made the wrong decision several times later in life, but that day was the right move.
Yet there may come a time where you aren’t able to avoid a physical confrontation and strutting in the opposite direction is removed from the table. In that case..
Next section.
Be Able To Defend Yourself
Learn how to handle yourself when in physical duress.
Of course, the best fight is the one that doesn’t occur, but in the event one does – be prepared.
You don’t have to turn into Kimbo Slice.. however you need to have the know how to at minimum do enough damage, or damage prevention to get out of harm’s way.
Just some competency under that sort of pressure will do. Maybe take a self-defense class. Maybe hit the weights so that you’re a bit more resilient to damage.
Get your stamina up though. Fights typically don’t last long, yet the last thing you want is to take a loss because you’re out of breath.
Don’t Be The Type To Jump Somebody
Unless you’re in a dunk contest 😆.
In this context to jump somebody is for two or more people to physically assault a single person.
By now you know the manly thing is to only throw hands if it’s a must, but if you can’t resist the testosterone fueled urge to squabble.. at minimum abide by this rule.
Don’t jump people. I know there’s really no such thing as a “fair” street fight, however if this is a mere settlement of differences let it be a one on one.
Furthermore if your friend finds himself in a one on one brawl, let it be..
If your friend is on the losing end of said brawl it’s okay to break it up, yet don’t come in swinging.
Things only escalate from there, and then you have a small tussle turn into a lifelong beef between crews.
NOTE: if this is about something more egregious all bets are off. A few unspeakable acts against one of your loved ones could get a “lesson teaching” response that I may not suggest. But I’d understand.
Learn How To Speak To A Crowd
I want you to be able to comfortably talk in front of people.
By crowd I’m referencing a group of 3 or more.
Public speaking scares most, you’ve probably heard the statistic about more people fearing public speaking than death, nevertheless fear doesn’t always mean back away.
With this kind of skill you’ll separate yourself while obtaining a sense of competence.
Try an improv class or mock presentations in your living room. May sound psychotic, but hey..
Anything to get your reps in. With reps the fear may not vanish, yet your ability to speak will be valid.
*drops mic*
Admit When You Don’t Know Something
Put your pride to the side and show a bit of confidence by admitting you don’t know what you don’t know.
It’s a humbling experience when a cohort expects you to have a fact, when you in fact have no fact.. it’s just you with a blank face.
Even more humbling if you try to finesse your lack of knowledge into an appearance of knowledge. Save yourself the trouble and admit you don’t know if you don’t know. The world won’t stop spinning.
You’re better off hitting them with an “I don’t know, but I’ll find out” than trying to piece together a puzzle you’ve never seen before in real-time. That route leads to a loss of credibility.
Be Aware Of What Assumptions May Be Made About You
Study what people’s preconceived notions may be about you. Ask questions, see what the first impressions were. Tap into and absorb that information for later use.. no advantage in taking offense, but that absorption could impact the way you move in a positive manner. It’s another tool.
I’m a dude with muscles, a decent amount of muscle mass as a lifetime natural. I don’t see it as farfetched because I did it. Day after day.
But my take isn’t relevant, I still get daily steroid accusations. I understand and I receive it as a compliment because to assume I’m taking the other route means I’m doing a pretty decent job at this muscle building thing.
And still I took the information and made an adjustment over the years. I now show my gradual progress more often and offer insight into how it can be done. Nobody’s to blame, you just play the face that’s on the cards you’re dealt. It’s life my G.
Show Everyone Respect
Respect all beings on this planet. How you display the respect must vary, but the respect must exist. You won’t treat your mother in the same manner as a close-in-age coworker.
Elders get the ma’am and sir treatment, that should be non-negotiable. The military in me has me call all women I’m not closely acquainted with ma’am regardless of age, however you don’t have to take it that far.
When questions about how to display a baseline level of respect arise, consider how you’d like to be treated in a particular situation. You’ll get it right more often than not in those cases.
On another note..
I’m realistic, so I’m aware you’ll be tested by some of these people you’re supposed to show respect. When/if they show they aren’t deserving of that baseline respect you kindly presented, remove yourself from the situation.
Being a good guy doesn’t mean being a guy that accepts less than good.
Removal of self is how you show a baseline level of respect to yourself.
Underestimate No One
A small detour from the previous point is for you to take no one for granted. Underestimate no one.
Anyone is capable of just about anything. And I mean that in every way you can think of how I mean it imaginable, but I’ll highlight when it comes to man to man conflict or potential conflict.
It’s okay to envision yourself as fearless, it would make you some sort of extraterrestrial being, but hey whatever floats your boat.
Frankly, the fearless get put on their back too. No one is above taking an L in this world, so don’t give yourself the impression that you are. To expand, I talk about not picking on people or looking down on others in this piece.
An important part that gets overlooked in that is.. even if you are successful at intimidation. Even if you make someone feel inferior in every way.. that by no means means you are or will be the victor if it came down to it.
A scared person sometimes is the person to fear, they’ll do whatever it takes to survive, remember that.
Stay in your lane, underestimate no one, and show everyone respect.
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Pass Along Knowledge
Each one teach one, as a man you have to help raise a society.
In the military a phrase I often heard was “leave it better than you found it.”
Treat the world you live in that way.
When you have life jewels, it’s your duty to put them on the necks of others.
Pass along knowledge to young men and women – it makes us all better.
Will they always listen? Heaven’s no, but some will, and some will get it just in time, and some will be like damn.. that dude tried to tell me. Shout out to that dude.
Pick Your Battles
You can’t react to everything, that is the trait of one with little control over their emotions. An individual in control picks their battles wisely.
On a scale of 1-10 you can’t ignore a 10 and many 5s should be addressed, but you can’t address them all.
On one coin’s side you run the risk of becoming a broken record.. lecture after lecture.. complaint after complaint.
Choose wisely or you’ll lose the audience’s attention.
Furthermore, some potential battles are beneath you. Some battles don’t rise to your level of dignity, so they’re better left unaddressed.
This can be anything from an inconsequential public spat, to social media trolls, to name calling, and so on. If all it takes is for a John Doe to speak a word in your direction for you to lose focus and start acting out of character.. we have work to do.
Think on it for a second. It’s possible dude had an argument with his girl and is now trying to release on you.. trying to get his “lick back” at your expense. Consider it. Are you truly willing to let a dude in a mood take you out of your zone and potentially have you in life altering conversations with authorities? All because he isn’t in a good space??
Still the firm boundaries you set are to always be addressed when crossed, no compromises there. When you set a boundary with someone you have a relationship with it’s like a contract. If a contract is broken, it must be addressed.
How To React To Being Hit By A Woman
If you ever find yourself in a situation where a woman strikes you for whatever reason, all you hit is the road Jack.
Get out of there with swiftness.. I don’t care who, what, when, where, why, or how this came about; skedaddle.
No good can come from a physical confrontation with a lady. Even if all you were doing was defending yourself, you never want to find yourself in a “he said she said” with law enforcements, bystanders, late comers.. nothing of the sort.
The best route is to brace yourself and escape.
Worst case is to hold her down, then escape, but barring a life-or-death predicament you need to be backing out of that driveway, getting your Usain Bolt on, or whatever you need to do based on where y’all are.
Leave first as questions last.
Don’t Hit A Woman For Pete’s Sake
Life or death’s involvement to the side, keep your hands by your side.
Dudes that beat on women don’t fall into the “man” category if you ask me..
they don’t even deserve to be labeled a matured zygote.
Never Bully
If you have a decent set of principles, bullying won’t enter your thought process. But on the off chance it does, get some principles.
Having bully in your character description describes a person without character.
Tearing another down won’t build you up. It in fact puts a spotlight on your lack of self-security.
The type of crowd that rallies around putting down the already perceived down won’t boost your merit. And those types that approve lack ethics. When a group lacks ethics it’s only a matter of time before they turn on you too.
Be Aware Of Those Being Bullied
It’s a nasty world in some respects, as a man you are to help subdue those respects. Show a little love to those you see are shunned.
You don’t have to become best good friends, but be amicable. Give them the friendly head nod and make small talk here and there.
People go through a lot.. as a person of principle, you help make the unwelcome feel welcomed.
A small chat could be what keeps somebody afloat, you never know what a person is going through deep inside.
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Don’t Take Advantage Of People
This falls in line with being honest about your intentions, this falls in line with having integrity.
A man doesn’t take advantage of people. If you have to finagle someone into doing what you want with no return.. you didn’t earn that. If you notice an eagerness to please you and you don’t share a similar sentiment you are to have enough integrity to not exploit that.
A tangible relationship example is you knowing you have no true relationship intentions with a gentlewoman.
A gentlewoman head over heels for you. Would do anything you asked. A lesser man could take advantage of that.. and she’d do everything you asked. You could do so with complete confidence and knowledge that she’d never get what she wants from you no matter the amount of effort she puts forth. But that wouldn’t be honorable now would it?
As a man you should lean towards making situations beneficial on both sides in one way or another; that’s honorable. That’s earned. And that’s how you build an honorable reputation.
Eff enough people over and one day it’ll come back to haunt you. It always does.
Be Aware Of When You’re Being Used
Everyone gets used, get used to it. From acquaintances to the love of your life. You may have “friends” that you only hear from when they need a favor.
As mentioned, as a man you aim to make it beneficial on both sides.
But everyone won’t show you that same respect. With this reality I want you to be aware of when you aren’t shown that respect. If you know, you can decide whether or not you’re okay with the usage.
On the macro side of being used..
If someone is attempting to use you, you have some value and that’s a good thing.
Evaluate Based On Actions More Than Words
Grammar is cute, I love language. Hence me keeping a blog for years upon years. Hence me on social media talking my head off despite being an introverted individual.
However..
Language is worth about as much as Usher bucks, (Google that internet moment if you’re unaware) without the results the expressed words imply.
Keep your eyes on actions. What people do shows tendencies and often true aims.
They reveal patterns. Those patterns give more insight into how they actually operate than what they have to say.
With your evaluations.
If one’s words and deeds tend to not add up, make mental notes. The more they don’t add up, the less credibility the speaker should be lent.
Brown Nosing Doesn’t Work
Brown. Nosing. Does. Not. Work.
I don’t hear the term as much as in my younger days, so if you’re unfamiliar with what brown nosing is..
The definition of brown nosing is to basically butter someone up with the aim of getting on their good side.
It’s usually aimed at a person in a position of power.
I’m here to tell you that it’s see through, turns your peers off, and a bit insulting.
You won’t capture long-term success via ass-kissing.. this goes for social settings, career settings, and romantically.
A woman won’t respect you but for so long if you keep agreeing just to agree. A boss won’t see you as an employee with potential if all you bring to the table is compliments.
Don’t kiss up, be good at what you do.
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How To Establish Emotional Maturity As A Man
Maturity is the full development of the highlighted subject.
Physical maturity is a blessing most of us experience, emotional maturity.. not so much.
Lower success rate.
It takes intention to rid yourself of those less than beneficial habits. Emotional maturity doesn’t come knocking on your door like it’s election season.
You must knock at its door.
Oftentimes emotional maturity revolves around having an appropriate response to internal stress and conflict. But the bottom line is, the earlier you get a grip on your emotions the better version of a man you can become.
Here are the rules for developing emotional maturity:
Control Your Temper
You may think flying off the handle and displaying unbridled aggression is the peak of masculinity.. may believe it’s the “alpha way”, but no.
Control your temper.
Testosterone’s flow may have you feeling macho and maybe you are, but true machismo is being in control.
Part of mastering manhood is keeping your temper in check.
Being a hothead will get you nowhere fast. My dumb ass lost a basketball scholarship being a hothead. Called myself “punching” a window out as an 18-year-old college sophomore. Quotation marks for the punch because it was more of a slap.
I’ll cut the suspense, the window shattered, yet didn’t go down without leaving a mark.
‘Till this day I have no feeling in the middle of my right palm and scar tissue in the shape of an x that constantly reminds me – be a hothead and you’ll cross yourself out..
Find other ways to cool off.
Evaluate Your Feelings
I go over this in detail on the confidence blog.
But the evaluate your feelings synopsis? Feelings are not always right or wrong.
Take a mental note of the emotional impulse and objectively evaluate its legitimacy. Then respond accordingly, sometimes you’ll realize you misread the situation and the feeling was unwarranted. Sometimes the feeling will turn out to be accurate.
Regardless, this simple evaluation could prevent an inordinate response.
Take A Joke
You’ll get roasted sometimes and sometimes it’ll be hilarious.. if it’s objectively funny - laugh. Feel free to lean in on the joke too, add more.
Be able to laugh at yourself, you don’t have to take yourself too seriously.
In my case, I take leaning in to the extreme when the poking is done in hopes to get under my skin, I laugh harder.. maybe even a knee slap. A man rule is to be unfazed by harmless verbal attempts.
Again.. if all it takes is a combination of words to get you off of your rocker, you aren’t in control of your life.. the speaker is.
An ability to find humor in personal shortcomings is an attractive trait to friends and lovers.
Laugh a little.
Men Apologize
When you’re in the wrong, admit it.
“I apologize, I was out of line when I x, y, and z.”
Say what your mishap was and ensure a my bad, I apologize, I’m sorry, or something proportional to the misdeed is in your statement.
Even more importantly avoid making the same mistake again. If you keep apologizing for and repeating the same act, your words will ultimately fall on deaf ears.
Best apology is changed behavior, you’ve probably heard that one before.
Look Within
It all starts from within. See yourself as ground zero, if you do that you’ll control life.
With any issue, quarrel, problem, or conflict, first look inward.
“What did I do to contribute to this problem and what could I have done better to prevent or limit its severity?”
Ask yourself this prior to the pointing of a single finger.
You can more readily change your behavior, before someone else’s. Only foolish pride would have you check someone else before checking yourself.
No Holding Of Grudges
Let it go my G, holding a grudge provides no benefit.
Address the situation, come to a resolution, which may be to agree to disagree, and move on.
You don’t want to carry excess emotional baggage, a grudge is that. Leave those bags where you found them.
You staying mad while they move on with their life helps you none. By no means am I saying forget if a misdeed was done..
That could lead to you touching a stove that already showed you it’s hot.
But..
I am saying come to terms and carry on. Your mental health will be thankful you did.
If You Forgive, Then Forgive
If you accept an apology and extend forgiveness don’t continue to relive the past.
Don’t continue to throw it in their face. As a person you shouldn’t, but as a man??
Come on dawg – you make yourself come across very pillow-like when you do that.
It’s also immature. Also a form of manipulation. And if you really dig into it, it’s also not honoring your word.
So there’s a lack of integrity there.
If you forgive, but understand it’ll take you time to recover – be transparent and relay that information.
If you realize you can’t let go, you have to consider ending that relationship.
Whatever form of a relationship it is.
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If Someone Forgives You, Give Them Time
“I’m sorry” isn’t an immediate fix for all misdeeds. Emotions don’t work that way. You have to allow people time to forgive. Even if in the moment they say “I forgive you”.
Hopefully they have the emotional IQ to express they’ll need a healing period, but part of the man rules is knowing some things without being told.
Fair or unfair isn’t the question - it’s reality.
However if weeks, months, or years go by and you continue to be held to the mistake in spite of improved behavior.. understand that your mistake may have permanently broken something.
You don’t have to stay around to suffer. If you reach a breaking point and they won’t budge behaviorally – respectfully remove yourself from the relationship.
Address Your Problems Head On
Always address your problems in a direct manner. You only have so much emotional space.. don’t waste any on unresolved issues.
Point out the elephant in the room and the elephant disappears.
Don’t let the unaddressed fester, the earlier you get it out in front, the earlier you can gain clarity and move along.
A quick example that just came to mind.. I was back in AIT. That’s the training you go through in the Army after basic. Teaches you how to do your specific job, long story short.. there was a fellow soldier, older guy, he’d been recently reclassified so he was with new soldiers despite having tenor.
It seemed like he was obviously comfortable in the military life so I looked to him as a bit of a guide from a distance.. after a few weeks I noticed he would mug me. Smooth mean mug too, a mean mug is when you stare someone down with disdain in your eyes in case you’re unaware.
After noticing this trend for a few days, in class I just asked, “Yo, why you always mugging me?”
He replied – because you’re always mugging me.
Elephant in the room addressed, now the clarity.
A clear misunderstanding, he took me looking for guidance as aggression. I noticed aggression and asked why – that clarity prevented a potential conflict.
Address your problems head on.
Heal Your Darkest Wounds
I suggest that you repair your emotional trauma.
There may always be a scar, but your life will improve when you do. We aren’t defined by our deepest pain, yet our definition can stem from how we react.
Make peace with yourself- it’s about you: bad breakups, miscarriages, dad wasn’t around, lost someone close, etc.. if you don’t heal you’ll harm yourself and others emotionally.
It’s about quality of life. It’s about what you would want for you if you were able to be your own mentor.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
A man rule and key to life is the development of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions. It’s also the ability to recognize and understand the emotions of those around you.
Throughout the rules it should be apparent at this point why identifying and understanding your own emotions is damn near life or death. But it shouldn’t end there.
I suggest you be aware of how others close to you feel in certain situations, so you can proceed accordingly.
It’s a manly duty to help uplift the ones around you emotionally. Also makes you a better leader if you can get a read on what their unsaid feelings are.
Particularly important when raising children and with your partner.. falls in line with anticipating needs.
No Permanent Decisions On Temporary Emotion
And speaking on emotional intelligence, never make permanent decisions on temporary emotions.
No choice infused with long-term impact should be made on a whim.
I don’t care how passionately you feel in that very moment. I don’t care how intense the impulse may be.. wait.
Think it over and give it time. When those bubbling emotions subside and you still want to go through with the plan, make it happen.
Emotional intelligence. You have to be able to understand why you feel what you feel. And be able to move those feelings to the side to properly assess a situation before acting.
That’s hard to do when you get smacked in the face with a strong impulse.
So let the emotions settle, then reevaluate. If you still want to, follow through. If not, abort mission.
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Miscellaneous Lessons For Men To Learn
(Peek behind the curtain)
The brainstorming/outlining process of this piece brought a flood of ideas - I put them down and many fell in specific categories. The items here didn’t quite fit a theme, but I’d be neglecting a man rule if I didn’t include these quick helpful tips:
Take Care Of Your Body
Material things come and go, but what is constant is that shell housing your soul. Take care of your body, you only get one:
Get annual check ups with the doc
Spend time outdoors
Buy grocery
Keep “bad” food out of the house
Keep Your Socks Together
Once they divorce it’s over, can’t rekindle that relationship. Have to buy a whole new pair.
Change Your Oil
Regular car maintenance keeps you from digging into your checking account more often than you’d like to.
Powder The Boys Down South
Namely when you plan on getting sweaty, jock itch is real.. corn starch powder is safe prevention.
Air Dry Your Gym Clothes Before You Put Them In The Hamper
Clothes won’t dry in the hamper home slice, and you’ll create mildew, then your $50 Nike tank will retain a smell that would even keep goodwill from accepting the donation.
Learn How To Change A Tire
Yes you may have insurance, but even the advertisements tell you cell towers don’t cover the whole land. They take a while too.
Change Your Fire Detector Battery
Please.. I don’t want to hear the beeps and you shouldn’t either.
Maintain A Rainy Day Fund
Shit happens, put a little aside at a time until you have a stash of cash you can pull from when the aforementioned shit occurs.
Pay Your Bills On Time
Credit matters and you may think it’s no big deal, especially while young, but it is buddy ol’ pal.
Don’t Bite Off More Financially Than You Can Chew
It’s a good practice to bet on yourself when you have something in the works, yes, but within reason. Exercise a financial surplus, your spending should not outpace your earning.
Lift The Toilet Seat
I’m tired of toilet seats at the gym looking like a Pittsburgh Steelers’ away jersey. Lift the seat, aim your portal to life, and hit flush.
Use Your Off Hand
If you’re right handed it means use the left and vice versa. Utilizing different sides of the body works different parts of the brain, but also builds coordination on the off-side.
What if you break a hand or something? Then you’ll be walking around with spoiled chicken breath, because your off-hand couldn’t even do a decent job of brushing your teeth.
Read
Being able to take in and comprehend information is high on the needed life skill list. It’s also an underreported idea-inducer.
Take News Organizations With A Grain Of Salt
The news is a for-profit business, so their goal is clicks and eyeballs. Refer to this fact when checking your breaking alerts, the full truth may not always be there. Do some digging before you form an opinion.
Preferably from conflicting sources, that way you can conclude in a more logical manner.
Never Start A Car Fight
They cut you off? Give a light honk to let them know, maybe it’ll increase their future awareness, but don’t take it personally.
Don’t speed up next to the fellow engine runner so you can throw up the long finger - emotional maturity. You gain nothing from it and even if you did, it could end badly. Not worth the risk, plenty of people bear arms.
Keep Your Toilet Clean
A quick way to have your number blocked by that lady you’re courting, is for her to come in to a toilet that looks like it just returned from a mudding adventure. Tidy up the house in general, but the bathroom is priority one.
Vote Your Best Interest
But don’t fall in love with a politician. Your attachment should be far from emotional. You can hope they make the moves you want to be made, yet when the boil is done.. it’ll always be about what you can make happen for yourself in this life. And if you and your friend disagree about politics.. So?
Straighten Your Room And Vacuum Your Car
Order provides a mental playground and along with comes a boost in your imagination.. I don’t want to exaggerate, but being somewhat organized will essentially make you more money. Clutter clutters the mind, a free mind has wiggle room to create, creativity breeds money making opportunities.. clean the car my G.
Going Bald
If your hairline starts to recede.. let it go my guy. I took it all off at around 25, so I know the feeling. But believe me when I say that comb over or that patchwork you have going is a lot less appealing than rocking the baldy.
If It’s Hot Take A Hand Towel
This is big in the south, that sun shows no mercy and you don’t want to walk around looking like the bottle in a coke commercial.
Harden Hour Knuckles
Hopefully not, but there may come a time you’re forced to punch somebody in the face. I will now alert you, it hurts. Hit the heavy bag, floor, counters, etcetera with a little intensity now and again. Over time your knuckles will be able to take on some punishment.
Don’t Let Your Pockets Hang Out
As innocent as it may be.. strutting along with your pockets hanging out gives the impression that you aren’t an individual to be taken seriously.
Check Your Nose Before You Leave The House
The last thing you want is to return to your humble abode at end of day.. only to find out you had a yellowish green friend in the middle of your face, greeting each person you chatted with at the party.
Take All Social Media Opinions With A Grain Of Salt
The real world is much bigger than the online world. Again.. algorithms just want you to stay. And many people that post just want the most engagement possible.
Road Rage Is A Waste Of Time
You are not a Transformer, so keep your Optimus Prime impulses on a leash. Some people can’t drive, get over it. All you can control is you, so be extra vigilant.
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Strengthen Your Chin
In the same vein as the previous tip there may come a time where you get your chin tested. Being punched in the jaw or anywhere on the face is no fun. It’s even less fun if one blow takes you down. Do chin strengthening exercises to raise your chances of surviving a hook to the chatterbox so you can defend yourself, or get away.
Don’t Believe Everything You Hear In A Song
Music sounds good and you can listen all day into the night, but that doesn’t mean what’s going in your ear is fact or a sensible way to think and/or live.
“It’s only entertainment.”
Keep A Music Playlist Full Of Slow Jams
It shows an alternative taste in music and is a good mood setter when hanging with a lady friend.
Put The TV Remote And The Car Keys In The Same Spot Every Time
If you could guess how much time you spent looking for a remote in life.. what would you say?
You’re not alone.
But one day I put my foot down. Made it my life’s mission to put the remote in the same spot every time. Now I don’t have that issue.
Get A Strong Case For Your Phone
Dear reader,
You may be a gambling man or woman, but..
Don’t gamble with your phone’s life.
Use Fabric Softener On Workout Clothes
You ‘stank’, just foul. Hit the gym.. worked up that good lather probably from lifting some weights.
I’m glad you did, but the resultant odor?? Handle that my friend.
All of that testosterone you exuded has a consequence and we others want no part of it.
Wash Your Bed Sheets
Stop living foul. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
Keep The Avocado In The Fridge
It’ll last longer, you’re welcome. Healthy fats as such help support healthy testosterone levels by the way.
Follow An Equal Or Lesser Amount Of Accounts Than Follow You
This point matters more to the single folks out there and to those looking to monetize their social media in one way or another. Not that it is important inherently, it’s about appearance. To those you may pursue it gives a bad first impression, one that screams low self-esteem. Could be an inaccurate assessment, yet when it comes to making an impression online all factors are to be considered.
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MY THOUGHTS
The earlier you realize you don’t know shit, the faster you’ll prosper and the further you’ll be able to plant your flag in this life.
Effort will be acknowledged time to time, but understand as a man you’ll mostly be judged by results. It’s just reality.. don’t search too much to be praised for your effort - only you will really care about that.
I have to reiterate the importance of striving for greatness on your path in life and happiness. More lessons to teach and abide by live on habits of successful people.
These rules are your guide to be a good dude. Yes, you’ll slip and I can’t say I always follow each rule to a t, but even putting this together reminded me of some areas I’ve started to slack in.
Alright Man Rules, It’s About That Time
Life comes around once you don’t get redos, so you won’t travel through it unscathed.
Mistakes are part of the dialogue, but when you navigate the timeline with integrity and a code of ethics you’ll get it right a lot more than you get it wrong. If you only take one thing away from this collection of words I want it to be to have a code. A code you don’t break regardless of temptation life may present.
Everything stems from a code. So have a code and be an asset to the world. Pass these man rules along too. When others get better you get better too. Be a stand up guy, the world needs more of those.
This is the part where I thank you for even making it this far into the read. If you got something from it, feel free to share and subscribe to my email list. That way you won’t miss a post. You can find me daily on all socials @EugeneTheFit - Be Great.
Sources:
[2] https://www.techopedia.com/statistics/cheating-statistics
[3] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0001879119300247
[4] https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/45271-how-many-americans-prefer-nonmonogamy-relationship
[5] https://www.cdc.gov/sti/php/communication-resources/prevalence-incidence-and-cost-estimates.html
[6] https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know
[7] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35201818/
[8] https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/the-facts-about-testosterone-and-sex